There it is folks...my well thought out Christmas gift....a fucking toaster. Now, I don't want to be an ungrateful prick, but what kind of a gift is that, and how did that conversation go?"What do you think daddy wants for Christmas this year? I dunno, he has no life, just spends his time looking at his fucking computer screen.......but wait...he does like toast...."
So here we are.....me with a fucking toaster (I am not a complete ass.................it is a an excellent toaster) and a list of better gifts they could have surprised me with....
1. a barium enema would have been a much more useful gift (and would make for a very interesting gift card)
2. a medical marijuana card
3. a years subscription to a quality porn site (the gift that keeps on giving)
4. nose hair trimmer (preferably a turbo charged version capable of cutting down small trees and shrub life)
5. a new laptop (my current Dell has more viruses than a New Delhi urgent care)
6. socks soft enough to masturbate in (my Johnson is very sensitive these days) BTW: not sure if "johnson" when used as a descriptor for my penis should be capitalized or not...
7. a gift card to Hooters for obvious reasons...and if it came with a very small video spy cam capable of being used to capture vids of my Hooters waitresses up close, so much the better...the ad money for my Youtube account would absolutely blow up so it would actually be free in the long run....
8. a gift certificate for a massage at any local Asian massage parlor, because they always employ "suggestive sales" techniques towards the end of your visit...
9. a penis enlarger, a gift which would keep on giving....reminds me of when I cut high school and went bowling at a bowling alley with a strip club inside as well down by the airport and dropped 50cents into a bathroom machine claiming to have a penis stretcher, only to get a toy ambulance stretcher with a red cross on it.....10. a sense of humor and/or a remedial english composition course.
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