Saturday, June 09, 2012
I am your toothbrush.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Just tell it where you live, and it recommends a place to eat with a map. Don't like it? Tell it the place looks like shit, and it will recommend another one.
Monday, December 26, 2011
"What do you think daddy wants for Christmas this year? I dunno, he has no life, just spends his time looking at his fucking computer screen.......but wait...he does like toast...."
So here we are.....me with a fucking toaster (I am not a complete ass.................it is a an excellent toaster) and a list of better gifts they could have surprised me with....
1. a barium enema would have been a much more useful gift (and would make for a very interesting gift card)
2. a medical marijuana card
3. a years subscription to a quality porn site (the gift that keeps on giving)
4. nose hair trimmer (preferably a turbo charged version capable of cutting down small trees and shrub life)
5. a new laptop (my current Dell has more viruses than a New Delhi urgent care)
6. socks soft enough to masturbate in (my Johnson is very sensitive these days) BTW: not sure if "johnson" when used as a descriptor for my penis should be capitalized or not...
7. a gift card to Hooters for obvious reasons...and if it came with a very small video spy cam capable of being used to capture vids of my Hooters waitresses up close, so much the better...the ad money for my Youtube account would absolutely blow up so it would actually be free in the long run....
8. a gift certificate for a massage at any local Asian massage parlor, because they always employ "suggestive sales" techniques towards the end of your visit...9. a penis enlarger, a gift which would keep on giving....reminds me of when I cut high school and went bowling at a bowling alley with a strip club inside as well down by the airport and dropped 50cents into a bathroom machine claiming to have a penis stretcher, only to get a toy ambulance stretcher with a red cross on it.....
10. a sense of humor and/or a remedial english composition course.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
1. Michelle Obama: a good orthodontist...good Lord, those choppers were only made for eating corn on the cob...I can only imagine the sight of you rendering the pres the occasional oval office blow job...
2. Selena Gomez: condoms,and lots of them. Holy shit, do you really want to risk being impregnated by Justin fucking Bieber?
3. Lady Gaga: medication. The only thing that separates you from bat-shit crazy is your immense musical talent.
4. Barack Obama: testicles. You seemed to have them during the campaign...sprout some and lead.
5. Jennifer Aniston: a conscience and an intense series of acting lessons. Stop taking the money for those crappy movies! For God sakes, you are a flop machine....one stinker after another. To your credit, no one has made more money than you for playing them self over and over and over....
6. Katie Holmes: a divorce. You are a beautiful, loving, talented young woman. Can you really be happy being married to that goofball Tom Cruise? Now that's a "Mission Impossible." Please blink twice if you are being held against your will....
6. Charlie Sheen: a sober moment. Nobody has had more and pissed it all away. Whores...drugs...sure those are fun...for about 6 months, but eventually you have to come back to earth. You think you are cool, but your greatest talent is in public masturbation....you've jacked yourself (and your career) off more than Pee Wee Herman, but at least he has made a come back.
7. Donald Trump: strength. Not personal strength, someone in your life to tell you to sit down and shut the fuck up. You continuously humiliate yourself...and your hair really, really sucks. No really...don't you fucking own a mirror?
8. Oprah: humility. Sure, women watched your show by the millions world wide and you have made an empire from it, but take a look at yourself....you have zero acting ability...really no on air abilities at all. You are the luckiest woman on the face of the planet. You are the woman who played Wheezy on the Jefferson's with a billion dollars. Please go away before we take all that money back.
9. Kimba: a fucking life. The only reason you have any pigment at all is the glow from your laptop.......try going outside once in awhile for gawd sakes....
Saturday, October 22, 2011
2. make eye contact with someone for five seconds, then say.."excuse me, but didn't I defend you in a sexual abuse case in court last year?"
3. every time the elevator passes a floor, make a "ding" sound
4. offer to press a button for an incoming rider, then press the wrong one
5. pick up the emergency phone and try to order pizza
6. wait for a single female rider, then "accidentally" drop a condom or two, pretending not to notice. don't pick it up, wait for her to pick them up....then say they aren't yours, and accuse her of dropping them.
7. greet each entering rider with a handshake and introduce yourself as "Mr. Hung."
8. shift your weight back and forth and whisper softly to yourself "my God how much longer can I hold this in?"
9. offer to give all entering riders a back rub
10. when in doubt...fart
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, August 06, 2011
2. I don't do theme parks
3. I have refused both my child's and spouse's friendship requests on Facebook.
4. I don't do poop....either from my daughter (almost never), or my dogs.
5. I would rather have my testicles pierced than watch any family show on TV. Glee makes my teeth itch.
6. I have, on occasion, erased something of importance to my family to make room for something I wanted to record on the DVR.
7. Ever since I became engaged (she proposed), I have always kept a secret stash of cash.
8. I picture my wives friends bare ass naked.
9. I pee in the pool if need be to avoid getting out, then back in.
10. What, the first nine weren't fucking bad enough?
Friday, June 03, 2011
2. riding an elevator with anyone who's flatulent
3. Donald Trump's hair
5. when my dog has poop that only comes half way out of his butt and sticks there
6. genital warts
7. vomiting stomach acid...out your nose
8. Sarah Palin
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
2. Lion not betray wife, but tiger wood
3. Man with five dicks have pants that fit like a glove
4. It's easy to see who best man is at a nudist's wedding
5. Baseball all wrong...man with four balls cannot walk
6. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
7. Man who sleep with wife and mistress get sweet and sour
8. Waiters speaking chinese tonight talk about your wife's tits
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Sunday, February 06, 2011
- a line of cocaine at Charlie Sheen's house
- Madonna's vagina
- Rosie O'Donnell's colin
- Barack Obama's brain
- Snoop Dogg's bong hits
- Sarah Palin's ignorance
- Ben Rothisberger's sexual predator file
- Oprah's purse
- The Octomom's ovaries
- Alex Rodreiguez' nutsack
Friday, December 31, 2010
3. Oprah Winfrey to admit one of her favorite things is pussy
4. Brett Favre to retire to full time perversion
5. Obama's polling numbers to improve dramatically
6. UCLA to beat the shit out of Duke in the Final Four
7. Legalized marijuana and a minimum 5 year sentence for driving under the influence
8. Jennifer Aniston to date a real man instead of the lead actor of her latest movie disappointment
9. An expansion pro football team in Los Angeles
10. a bigger penis
Friday, November 26, 2010
2. the neighbors invited themselves over for Thanksgiving dinner and brought a small Starbucks bag with them...obviously a thank you gift to us. when we examined it later, it was full of the Girl Scout nuts and candies we bought and paid for over 6 months ago....
3. we always have a Xmas tree, despite my wife and daughter being jewish. this year, my wife purchased a black friday artifical tree, because she lived in fear of real ones catching on fire. This tree must have come from the tree pound who rescued it from abuse....this tree is so sad it looks like it came from Nagasaki...after the bomb.
4. no sooner had I left a shitty facebook response to one of my friends who was spending his weekend with his family watching Harry Potter, then setting up his Xmas tree (I think I told him he was having a "testicle free" weekend).....then my daughter asked me to set ours up. we are now watching I fucking Carly...somebody shoot me
5. I actually left a post on this blog.....it's been a while (sorry)
Saturday, June 19, 2010
9. His underwear has more DNA than the OJ crime scene
8. He voted for Palin / McCain
7. They know him by name at the local Sizzler
6. He thinks bowling is too elitist
5. His first name is embroidered on his work shirts
4. He thinks Sarah Palins best feature is her brain
3. At work he is the guy who asks..."would you like some fries with that?"
2. He has a plumbers crack problem, and he isn't a plumber
1. He spends his time writing a blog
Friday, January 01, 2010
2. OPRAHED: someone who annoys the shit out of you over a prolonged period of time, so much so you will give them a billion dollars just to get their fat asses away from you.
3. PENAL-IZED: to exact a punishment on someone by beating them over the head with that which they love the most (i.e. clubbing Tiger Woods with a 3 iron, or knocking Amy Winehouse into unconsciousness with a crack pipe).
4. APPRO-PROD: taking that which annoys you the most and shoving it up the ass of the perpetrator
5. LETTERMAN FLACKET: the furor caused when someone finds out you blew the boss in return for continued employment.
6. BUL-LOCKED: someone who convinces you they are different to curry favor, then acts exactly like the previous dickhead.
7. CROTCH-LIST: a list of air passengers most apt to have something dangerous in their underwear
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
And so I give you my top four men
Number two: Ashton Kutcher: not only did Ashton come out of nowhere (and a shitty TV show on Fox is truly coming out of nowhere) to bag the big prize, he turns his relationship into a billion dollars and a fledgling career in show business. Needless to say, Kutcher must get it right in one take.
Number three: Justin Timberlake. OK, he made some decent music (I guess) with the backstreet boys or whatever...but the dude has racked up a sizable bankroll AND is banging Cameron Diaz. Look at the dude...Cameron Diaz...really? He must really have a rhythm.
Number four, and a hall of fame member: Bill Clinton: not only did he succeed in politics despite coming from friggin' Arkansas, make a shitload of money for talking, but he kept his high-powered marriage intact (sort of), despite putting the wood to everything he sees. Not only that, when getting caught cold, he actually seeks to redefine what sexual relations are while under oath. This guy is the master. Is it any wonder during his administration, they nicknamed the presidential jet "Air Fuck One."
Friday, October 02, 2009
2. If he attempts to use a three year old condom he has had in his wallet, he is a douche bag.
3. If he comes out publicly in the defense of Roman Polanski, OJ Simpson, or Pee Wee Herman, he is a douche bag.
4. If he tivo's WWE or any other wrestling program, he is a douche bag.
5. If he watches "Dancing with the Stars" and lies about it, he is a douche bag.
6. If he gets pedicures, he is a douche bag.
7. If he mousses or gels hair other than on the top of his head, he is a douche bag.
8. If his favorite alcoholic drink comes with an umbrella, or a garnish of any kind, he is a douche bag.
9. If he shaves hair on any portion of his body other than his head: douche bag.
10. If he regularly reads this blog: double-douche
Saturday, September 19, 2009
So having said that, let's play our game....celebrity pitchmen, straight or gay?
Let's start out with an easy one, the Pillsbury dough boy. For one thing, he wears that ridiculous neck tie.....and absolutely nothing else. Add in his odd open knee stance, the laugh and the slogan, poppin' fresh, and I think we can agree on an answer. Verdict: Pillsbury doughboy: GAY.
Next up: the brawny dude. Yes, he is strong, and he wears a Pendleton shirt. He is an outdoors man and a mountain man. The question is....what mountain, Brokeback? Brawny always boasts about their ability to "suck up" liquids, which is all we need to know. Verdict: Brawny guy: GAY.
Next up: Aunt Jemina. Shut your mouth. Her only function is to make breakfast for her family.
She only comes in maple, and no odd assortment of flavors, although she does recommend adding fruit if you like. Nah, not her. Verdict: Aunt Jemima: STRAIGHT.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
People who twitter incessantly (could you wait until you have something to say?)
People who take every fucking quiz on Facebook (if you were animal dung, what animals ass would you fall out of?)
People who e-mail you with stupid sentimental shit, then demand you to forward it to 10 friends or your penis will fall off
People who set up a camera and Ustream a continuous feed of their newborn puppies
People who buy anything off from EBay, then complain they got ripped off
People who look at every possible porn web site, then complain when their computer runs slow
Saturday, May 23, 2009
- I have said it before, and I will say it again, fly the flag on Memorial Day. If you don't own one, get your commie ass down to Walmart and buy one (even if it will be made in China).
- If you are going to the beach for the first time this year, wear a t-shirt and ample shorts. Leave the speedos for Michael Phelps, fat ass. The last thing we want to see is your ample girth that is whiter than a polar bear. And if you are a couple visits behind in your regimen, don't display it shirtless on the sand while you pretend to know how to throw a Frisbee.
- Cardinal rule: absolutely no colored socks with shorts, or sandals. Extra dumb ass points for the higher they go up your albino legs.
- If you are going to a party or picnic, spend a little extra bucks and get quality alcohol. At least a mid-quality alcohol; and if it should be iced, ice it long before you get there.
- If you do show up with some skank beer or cooking vinegar type wine, don't let me see you with one of my Heineken's in your hand, you cheap sob.
- Beach tip. The water will be cold. You do not live in the Caribbean. So if two inches leftover from a wave approaches you as you walk on the beach, please do not run away from it like a little friggin' girl.
- If you are a man over the age of forty, do not ogle any female less than twenty years of your age. If you do, I will be on the horn to Chris Hansen, and you can explain yourself on Nightline.
- Another beach tip: If you prefer music to the sound of crashing waves on the shore, bring an I-Pod. No one wants to hear your crappy music. The beach is about getting away from that crap and relaxing.
- If you do go to a cemetery (which is very cool), be respectful and quiet like you were at a library. Do not play Frisbee, play music, run over the grounds where people are buried, and do not steal flowers (you would be surprised).
- Wherever you are, hold your liquor. The only thing worse than an inability to control your liquor is an inability to control your bladder. Practice up on your drinking if you have to, but do not get drunk early and start getting loose with the language. Especially if children are present.
- And, oh bye the way, there is nothing worse than someone who drinks too much, thinks they are suddenly a player and start flirting with someone elses wife or girlfriend.
- Camping tip: Just because you are going to sleep in a campground does not mean you should feel free to use the park as your personal toilet. Walk the 300 yards to the bathroom and leave the trees alone.
- Last but not least......remember what the holiday is about. If you see a veteran, or someone who is active in the service on leave, offer them your thanks, and offer them your hand.
- DO NOT DRIVE DRUNK, OR TIPSY, OR OVERLY HAPPY FROM ALCOHOL. Just because it is Memorial Day does not mean you can go out and kill someone. Have a good holiday.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
2. Instead of throwing away your used napkins or empty soft drink can, you throw it in the sink with the dirty dishes.
3. You take your dry cleaning in without checking the hamper for someone else's dry cleaning that needs taking in.
4. You use someone elses toothbrush to clean the bathroom grout.
5. You bake something and it bubbles over onto the oven walls without telling someone until they bake something and the smoke alarm goes off from the fire caused from your crap burning off the oven walls.
6. You take longer in the bathroom if you know that someone is waiting to get in.
7. You take a cordless phone call in the living room and insist that the TV gets turned down rather than leave the fucking room.
8. You blame the guy who washes your jeans when you leave your cell phone in the pocket.
9. Your idea of emptying the trash is pushing everything down and compacting it until the liner tears, which will go undetected until someone else actually tries to empty it.
10. Half the cell phone calls you get are from yourself because you can't find it again.
2. You carry on loud cell phone conversations.....while you are taking a dump in a public restroom.
3. You only tell three kinds of jokes; ones involving minorities, gays or nuns.
4. You use your car as a weapon on the freeways. You wouldn't let a car get into your lane even if it was an ambulance full of school children with its sirens on.
5. If your middle finger was severed in a table saw accident you would be rendered a mute.
6. You always brag about the size of your penis and sexual prowess at work, then go home and masturbate to child porn.
7. You take the last of the coffee, then replace the beaker onto the hot burner to fry.
8. You rag on guys for being on Face book and Twitter, even though your DVR at home is full of episodes of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" and "Tyra."
9. You never wash your hands after using the bathroom, then shake the hand of everyone you meet during the day.
10. You can't pick out a free donut at work without touching the ones you don't want.
11. You shoplift at the 99 cents of less store.
12. You bitch about the first whiff of second hand smoke, even though you haven't washed your nuts since the seventh grade.
13. You have stolen something from a fellow workers lunch box at work.
14. You say derogatory things about gay people, and all the while your index finger smells like your own ass.
15. Your last family reunion was on an episode of Jerry Springer
Monday, April 13, 2009
The first person to try and swim probably drowned.
The first person to realize that you could inhale smoke and live was very stupid.
The first person to try and jump out and parachute down was suicidal.
The first person to try and pet a brown bear quickly had second thoughts.
The first person to have sex with Rosie O'Donnell was very, very horny.
The first person to invent condoms probably enjoyed his work.
The first person to get a tattoo was probably drunk.
The first person to breathe fire was seriously bored.
The first person to perform oral sex was onto something.
The first person to vote twice for Bush 42 was seriously mis-informed.
The first person to buy a Jonas Brothers album was a blood relative, a deaf blood relative.
The first person to go down Niagara Falls in a barrel probably won the bet.
The first person to think of something better, click on the word "comment" below.
Friday, April 10, 2009
2. What are the all time top 5 rashes you've ever experienced?
3. The top five funniest things you ever thought of while masturbating
4. If you were animal poop, what animal would you drop out of?
5. Who is the closest person to you that denied being your friend in Facebook?
Friday, March 27, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
4. Weapons of mass consumption: You are the only one who can possibly stand the stench of your own poop. You eat every meal at all you can eat buffets. You also think a "C" in the window means "C" ya later. You have all of the charm and charisma of a colostomy bag salesman. Even your hemorrhoids got up and walked away from your intestines. Your only hope of owning a pet who loves you is to catch a buzzard off a shit wagon.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
2. You haven't seen your penis since the 8th grade
3. Your spouse hasn't seen your penis since the Clinton administration
4. Your definition of oral sex involves something from the Hostess Bake Shop
5. You think the Pillsbury poppin fresh guy is kind of sexy
6. Your vagina has been visited less than an English dentist
7. Your last poop measured longer than your forearm
8. You buy a talking scale and it says "one at a time, please"
9. You are named Cannibal magazine's sexiest man of the year
10. The only place you can weigh yourself is at a truck stop
11. You are Rosie O'Donnell
12. Your dog knows the Domino's delivery man better than you
13. Delta Airlines charges you $150 for excess baggage, and you have no luggage
14. You have been thrown out of Hometown Buffet
15. You have skin tags larger than your penis
16. You have been offered a contract as a celebrity endorser of Jell-o
17. You walk into a porta-potty and the shit throws up
18. Sara Lee owns a yacht named after you.
19. You get thank you cards from Ronald McDonald
20. You consider Bac-os a food group
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
2. If you go to the food bank and there isn't a line, the stimulus is working.
3. If people stop adopting pets from the dog pound for meat, the stimulus is working.
4. If your local grocery store got Velveeta off their shortage list, the stimulus is working.
5. If you go to a restaurant, and see someone leaving a tip, the stimulus is working.
6. If your local prostitute stops accepting food stamps as payment, the stimulus is working.
7. If the collection plate on Sunday has any paper on it at all besides an IOU, the stimulus is working.
8. If you stop keeping Jack's value menu committed to memory, the stimulus is working.
9. If one of your credit cards no longer declines, the stimulus is working.
10. If your 12 year old starts sneaking into your wallet again looking to steal money, the stimulus is working.
11. If you start turning up your nose at Spam again, the stimulus is working.
12. If you start shopping at Costco on Sundays to actually buy something, and not to feed your family lunch, the stimulus is working.
13. If you get off the freeway and the man holding up a sign that says "will work for food" isn't your dry cleaner, the stimulus is working.
14. If you start feeling bad about beating the shit out of a girl scout for her cookies, the stimulus is working.
15. If the Obama cabinet starts paying off their back taxes, the stimulus is working.
Friday, February 06, 2009
- If you walk your dog down the street and you don’t pick up your dogs shit, you’re an asshole.
- If you swear in front of small children, you're an asshole.
- If you own a pet less than five pounds, dress it, and carry it around town with you, you’re an asshole.
- If you go to Starbucks and use your wireless computer to view porn, you are an asshole.
- If you didn’t tell your mother you loved her the last time you spoke, you’re an asshole.
- If you told my mother you loved her, and you aren’t in my immediate family, you’re an asshole.
- If you can't get a woman, and criticize everyone elses, you're an asshole.
- If your only fashion accessory is a toothpick, you're an asshole.
- If you carry on a blue tooth conversation while in a line anywhere, you're an asshole.
- If you pay at a fast food restaurant with a hundred dollar bill, you're an asshole.
- If you park in a handicapped parking place, then try to make up for it by limping, you're an asshole.
- If you are always touching your crotch in public to make adjustments, you're an asshole.
- If you are over 15, and wear t-shirts with sayings on them, you're an asshole.
- If you make derogatory comments based on hate or bigotry, you're an asshole.
- If you ever voted for George Bush, you are the gold standard in assholes
- He watches American Idol because of Ryan Seacrest
- He picks at his food, claiming to be "watching his figure"
- His favorite drink is a cherry Slurpee
- He has a name for his penis, and it is a feminine name
- He has always dreamed of being an alter boy
- He is a member of the Jonas brothers fan club
- He has an autographed picture of Charles Nelson Reilly
- His favorite sport is figure skating
- His best friend has a name for your sons penis
- Michael Phelps makes him want to "go for the gold"
Friday, January 30, 2009
So lets get real. If you got invited to our homes for the game, nine times out of ten, our wives invited you. We don't need company, just two teams, six refs and two people announcing the game. We are into it. If you aren't, stay out in the friggin' kitchen. Make us some hors d'oeurves, you manly man. That's rule number one. Here are some more....
2. Don't spill anything on my leather couch, especially if it was spilled when you saw something during the game that made you jump up and squeal like a little fucking girl.
3. Absolutely no Styrofoam fingers, pom poms, or any thing with a bobble head, and that includes your worthless piece of shit children.
4. Nothing.....nothin looks dumber than a fat guy in a football jersey and sweat pants. Anyone who wears a jersey should be at least able to tie their own shoes for gawd sakes.
5. Don't try to bullshit us. Don't tell us you were the starting guard for Bumfuck University in 1996, because I have google, and B.U. has a web site, fool.
6. Do not, repeat, do not bring your girlfriend / wife unless she is absolutely smoking fucking hot. This is a guy thing. We want football and cheerleaders and beer and ribs. Anything else is a distraction. If you do bring your girlfriend, she better come complete with a stripper pole for halftime.
7. Shut the fuck up. If we wanted to talk all fucking day, we would still be married.
8. Bring what you drink. What are you fucking diabetic?
9. Do not tell me about your fucking fantasy football league, baseball card files or your comic book collection. They are all queer to me. No that is not bias against homosexuals. Hell, even Andy Dick thinks your fantasy football league is gay.
10. Be a man....hold your fucking liquor. There are three things I do not want to clean up from you during your visit, spilled beer, BBQ sauce on my couch, and your puke.
11. Unless you know the crowd really, really well, never root against the hosts favorite team. Come into my house and root for USC and I will key your car, do your wife, and tell your son you are worried because he will find out you are not his real father.
Enjoy the Game!!! Steelers 31 Cardinals 23
Oh shit....I almost fucking forgot...Here is what I do not want to hear immediately after halftime and the start of the third quarter.....your fucking reviews of the commercials so far, or anything about the half time show unless it involved full frontal nudity. Ready? Break.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
You will have to wait around 38 seconds, but this is as funny as it gets! Kathy Griffin rocks, period. Maybe this will get this innocuous New Years Eve boring shit off the air waves. I wouldn't wait 10 seconds to see some stupid friggin' "ball drop," but there is never, never anything on worth watching on New Years night, but this crap. Anderson Cooper, Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest, in their endless pursuit of a buck at the expense of their dignity. But, a damn good gig for Kathy, and the only one worth staying up late for!! She is a bawdy laugh riot.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
4. To Michelle Obama: ditto. You have more teeth than Mr. Ed for God sakes.