10 REASONS WHY TIGER DROVE OVER A FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND INTO A TREE

1. His wife hated where he was putting his putter

2. Needs a new driver to replace the wood he drove into

3. He missed the cut(s)

4. Should have worn a rider cup

5. He's a "scratch" golfer

6. Couldn't read the breaks

7. Tired of Lindsey Lohan getting all the publicity

8. Caught in the wrong foursome

9. Steve took his balls home for a polishing

And the top ten reason Tiger drove over a fire extinguisher and into a tree:

10. his wife Elin swings a mean 2 iron.

4 MEN WHO ARE A CREDIT TO THEIR PENIS

No doubt about it, these guys have transformed themselves

in the public perception through the effective use of their penis.

Some of them for pure pleasure,

and some of them for career advancement as well.
And so I give you my top four men

who are a "Credit to their Penis"....

Number one: Alex Rodriguez. Come on....he leaves his wacko wife for Madonna, then ditches her for Kate Hudson? Talk about going from AAA ball to the Major leagues. No doubt about it, this guy must really sport some sizable wood, and I am not talking about a Louisville slugger...although he DID do Madonna.
Number two: Ashton Kutcher: not only did Ashton come out of nowhere (and a shitty TV show on Fox is truly coming out of nowhere) to bag the big prize, he turns his relationship into a billion dollars and a fledgling career in show business. Needless to say, Kutcher must get it right in one take.

Number three: Justin Timberlake. OK, he made some decent music (I guess) with the backstreet boys or whatever...but the dude has racked up a sizable bankroll AND is banging Cameron Diaz. Look at the dude...Cameron Diaz...really? He must really have a rhythm.
Number four, and a hall of fame member: Bill Clinton: not only did he succeed in politics despite coming from friggin' Arkansas, make a shitload of money for talking, but he kept his high-powered marriage intact (sort of), despite putting the wood to everything he sees. Not only that, when getting caught cold, he actually seeks to redefine what sexual relations are while under oath. This guy is the master. Is it any wonder during his administration, they nicknamed the presidential jet "Air Fuck One."

TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF A MAN IS A DOUCHEBAG

1. If he is spotted wearing white framed sunglasses, he is a douche bag.
2. If he attempts to use a three year old condom he has had in his wallet, he is a douche bag.
3. If he comes out publicly in the defense of Roman Polanski, OJ Simpson, or Pee Wee Herman, he is a douche bag.
4. If he tivo's WWE or any other wrestling program, he is a douche bag.
5. If he watches "Dancing with the Stars" and lies about it, he is a douche bag.
6. If he gets pedicures, he is a douche bag.
7. If he mousses or gels hair other than on the top of his head, he is a douche bag.
8. If his favorite alcoholic drink comes with an umbrella, or a garnish of any kind, he is a douche bag.
9. If he shaves hair on any portion of his body other than his head: douche bag.
10. If he regularly reads this blog: double-douche

PRODUCT ENDORSERS: STRAIGHT OR GAY?

Celebrity product endorsers....they are everywhere, in our print media, all over television, and they are leaving a lasting impression on all those who view them. But, are they secretly sending out hidden messages of homosexuality and a latent promiscuity? Do not laugh...this is serious. We need to review their messages and evaluate each one for signs of homosexuality before their message spreads to our youth. It may be too late, as our children can't remember the answers to their history tests, but can recite the commercial jingles by heart on demand.
So having said that, let's play our game....celebrity pitchmen, straight or gay?

Let's start out with an easy one, the Pillsbury dough boy. For one thing, he wears that ridiculous neck tie.....and absolutely nothing else. Add in his odd open knee stance, the laugh and the slogan, poppin' fresh, and I think we can agree on an answer. Verdict: Pillsbury doughboy: GAY.

Next up: the brawny dude. Yes, he is strong, and he wears a Pendleton shirt. He is an outdoors man and a mountain man. The question is....what mountain, Brokeback? Brawny always boasts about their ability to "suck up" liquids, which is all we need to know. Verdict: Brawny guy: GAY.
Next up: Aunt Jemina. Shut your mouth. Her only function is to make breakfast for her family.
She only comes in maple, and no odd assortment of flavors, although she does recommend adding fruit if you like. Nah, not her. Verdict: Aunt Jemima: STRAIGHT.

Next, the Michelin man. Yes, he has more folds than an origami festival. And, I am sure he would be a barrel of fun at a wet spot festival, but I cannot believe someone who pitches for a tire company would be anything than straight (although I am seriously worried about some of those redneck NASCAR drivers). Verdict: Michelin man: STRAIGHT.

Next up: an interesting one, the Cuckoo Puff bird. Yes, he is cookoo for Cocoa puffs, and he does a decidedly gay dance when he proclaims his passion for the cereal. I am not sure if there are gay birds, except for the Swallow (how obvious is that name?). His beak does not make for optimum gay activities, but he does fill his closet with wardrobe only Andy Dick or Elton John would wear. My verdict? Cocoa Puff bird: GAY.

Next up: the Shamwow guy. Annoying, forceful and loud. Does wear the stereo typical gay polo shirts, and the moussed hair points towards gay. When it comes to sucking up moisture, he is the King. Does this make him gay? My verdict: The Shamwow guy is NOT Sham-gay.

Next: the Nestle Quik rabbit. First and foremost, is there any animal on the face of the earth more horny than a rabbit? Plus, he is quite the master at sucking on things, like the straw on the labeling. He wears overalls for quick disrobing, and we may never know if he has a trap door in the back. My thoughts? The final straw....strawberry milk. My verdict: Nestle Quik rabbit? His gate swings both ways. He is good at burrowing into holes, sucking with amazing force, but likes to make babies, an obviously straight proclivity. Final verdict? He could care less....anything that moves is OK to him.

Last but not least? Kimba the White Lion. Yes, he is strong, brave and possesses blue eyes like azure pools of water. On the other hand, he has an odd protruding growth on his chest, and I am really not sure what to make for himself. Often pictured on all fours means nothing, as he is quite adept at performing on two legs. My verdict: Kimba the White Lion...decidedly straight.

TWEETS FROM THE WORLD OF THE FAMOUS

Donald Trump: "...sorry, too busy to tweet today....taking this thing on the top of my head in for a rabies shot"

Bernie Madoff: "...hated to do it, had to penalize my cell mate Jimmy last night....for an early withdrawal"

Andy Rooney: "....isn't it odd that I would have so many cats in my home this late in my life, yet haven't had pussy since the Eisenhower administration?"

Michael Vick: "...not sure if the Vikings are playing with me or not....first day there, guess what they had for lunch in the buffet line?....fucking chili dogs."

Dick Van Dyke: "...my father (who named me) always laughed at the name he gave me. can you imagine anything that goes together less than a dick and a dyke?"

Brad Pitt: "...I kinda miss being married to Jennifer (Aniston)....... the worst thing she ever came home with after a weekend of shopping was eight grand worth of clothing."

George Bush:"....finally finished my book.....took me forever to finish.....God I hate reading...."

STUPID COMPUTER PEOPLE

People who use their keyboard to make stupid pictures...like :} or ;@)
People who twitter incessantly (could you wait until you have something to say?)
People who take every fucking quiz on Facebook (if you were animal dung, what animals ass would you fall out of?)
People who e-mail you with stupid sentimental shit, then demand you to forward it to 10 friends or your penis will fall off
People who set up a camera and Ustream a continuous feed of their newborn puppies
People who buy anything off from EBay, then complain they got ripped off
People who look at every possible porn web site, then complain when their computer runs slow

MEMORIAL DAY ETIQUETTE 2009

1. I have said it before, and I will say it again, fly the flag on Memorial Day. If you don't own one, get your commie ass down to Walmart and buy one (even if it will be made in China).
2. If you are going to the beach for the first time this year, wear a t-shirt and ample shorts. Leave the speedos for Michael Phelps, fat ass. The last thing we want to see is your ample girth that is whiter than a polar bear. And if you are a couple visits behind in your regimen, don't display it shirtless on the sand while you pretend to know how to throw a Frisbee.
3. Cardinal rule: absolutely no colored socks with shorts, or sandals. Extra dumb ass points for the higher they go up your albino legs.
4. If you are going to a party or picnic, spend a little extra bucks and get quality alcohol. At least a mid-quality alcohol; and if it should be iced, ice it long before you get there.
5. If you do show up with some skank beer or cooking vinegar type wine, don't let me see you with one of my Heineken's in your hand, you cheap sob.
6. Beach tip. The water will be cold. You do not live in the Caribbean. So if two inches leftover from a wave approaches you as you walk on the beach, please do not run away from it like a little friggin' girl.
7. If you are a man over the age of forty, do not ogle any female less than twenty years of your age. If you do, I will be on the horn to Chris Hansen, and you can explain yourself on Nightline.
8. Another beach tip: If you prefer music to the sound of crashing waves on the shore, bring an I-Pod. No one wants to hear your crappy music. The beach is about getting away from that crap and relaxing.
9. If you do go to a cemetery (which is very cool), be respectful and quiet like you were at a library. Do not play Frisbee, play music, run over the grounds where people are buried, and do not steal flowers (you would be surprised).
10. Wherever you are, hold your liquor. The only thing worse than an inability to control your liquor is an inability to control your bladder. Practice up on your drinking if you have to, but do not get drunk early and start getting loose with the language. Especially if children are present.
11. And, oh bye the way, there is nothing worse than someone who drinks too much, thinks they are suddenly a player and start flirting with someone elses wife or girlfriend.
12. Camping tip: Just because you are going to sleep in a campground does not mean you should feel free to use the park as your personal toilet. Walk the 300 yards to the bathroom and leave the trees alone.
13. Last but not least......remember what the holiday is about. If you see a veteran, or someone who is active in the service on leave, offer them your thanks, and offer them your hand.
14. DO NOT DRIVE DRUNK, OR TIPSY, OR OVERLY HAPPY FROM ALCOHOL. Just because it is Memorial Day does not mean you can go out and kill someone. Have a good holiday.

10 WAYS TO TELL IF YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE (HOME EDITION)

1. You take the last of the toilet paper and don't replace the roll.
2. Instead of throwing away your used napkins or empty soft drink can, you throw it in the sink with the dirty dishes.
3. You take your dry cleaning in without checking the hamper for someone else's dry cleaning that needs taking in.
4. You use someone elses toothbrush to clean the bathroom grout.
5. You bake something and it bubbles over onto the oven walls without telling someone until they bake something and the smoke alarm goes off from the fire caused from your crap burning off the oven walls.
6. You take longer in the bathroom if you know that someone is waiting to get in.
7. You take a cordless phone call in the living room and insist that the TV gets turned down rather than leave the fucking room.
8. You blame the guy who washes your jeans when you leave your cell phone in the pocket.
9. Your idea of emptying the trash is pushing everything down and compacting it until the liner tears, which will go undetected until someone else actually tries to empty it.
10. Half the cell phone calls you get are from yourself because you can't find it again.

15 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE

1. Your idea of charity is giving food to a food bank that expired during the Kennedy administration.
2. You carry on loud cell phone conversations.....while you are taking a dump in a public restroom.
3. You only tell three kinds of jokes; ones involving minorities, gays or nuns.
4. You use your car as a weapon on the freeways. You wouldn't let a car get into your lane even if it was an ambulance full of school children with its sirens on.
5. If your middle finger was severed in a table saw accident you would be rendered a mute.
6. You always brag about the size of your penis and sexual prowess at work, then go home and masturbate to child porn.
7. You take the last of the coffee, then replace the beaker onto the hot burner to fry.
8. You rag on guys for being on Face book and Twitter, even though your DVR at home is full of episodes of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" and "Tyra."
9. You never wash your hands after using the bathroom, then shake the hand of everyone you meet during the day.
10. You can't pick out a free donut at work without touching the ones you don't want.
11. You shoplift at the 99 cents of less store.
12. You bitch about the first whiff of second hand smoke, even though you haven't washed your nuts since the seventh grade.
13. You have stolen something from a fellow workers lunch box at work.
14. You say derogatory things about gay people, and all the while your index finger smells like your own ass.
15. Your last family reunion was on an episode of Jerry Springer

THE FIRST ONE IS A ROTTEN EGG

The first person to realize that sea urchins were eatable, was seriously hungry.
The first person to try and swim probably drowned.
The first person to realize that you could inhale smoke and live was very stupid.
The first person to try and jump out and parachute down was suicidal.
The first person to try and pet a brown bear quickly had second thoughts.
The first person to have sex with Rosie O'Donnell was very, very horny.
The first person to invent condoms probably enjoyed his work.
The first person to get a tattoo was probably drunk.
The first person to breathe fire was seriously bored.
The first person to perform oral sex was onto something.
The first person to vote twice for Bush 42 was seriously mis-informed.
The first person to buy a Jonas Brothers album was a blood relative, a deaf blood relative.
The first person to go down Niagara Falls in a barrel probably won the bet.
The first person to think of something better, click on the word "comment" below.

TOP 5 FACEBOOK QUIZZES YOU WILL NEVER SEE

1. If you were a celebrity penis, who would you be?
2. What are the all time top 5 rashes you've ever experienced?
3. The top five funniest things you ever thought of while masturbating
4. If you were animal poop, what animal would you drop out of?
5. Who is the closest person to you that denied being your friend in Facebook?

7 SUGGESTIONS FOR CHANGE

1. All women should start wearing dresses again. It's time for women to start being feminine again, and nothing is more feminine than a woman in a sun dress. Nothing too tight or too slutty, just a classy and modest look.

2. Men should stop this stupid craze of hugging people, unless they are family or someone very special to them. Am I somehow obligated to get into this awkward situation of waiting to see if this guy will settle for a handshake, or want to lean in and hug me? I have hugged people I either hardly know, or don't even like, all because of this stupid fad. Let's end the madness!! Just as women should become more feminine again, men need to start acting like men again.

3. When is someone going to stand up and wake up the world in regards to tattoos. I can't imagine a more stupid thing to do than pay someone to inject ink into your skin. Formerly just relegated to people in prison, this fad has taken over everyone by storm. You can't find a decent college basketball (or high school) player without two arms full of crap injected into their skin. It's time people became leaders again, instead of the mindless sheep they have become.

4. Little girls should go back to being little girls; in the way they act, in the way they think, and in the way they dress. Teenagers today know more about sex than many adults in my generation. They dress like they're on one of those housewives shows on Bravo, and talk like they are on HBO. Sadly, innocence today is a new line of flavored douches.

5. Television needs to slow down and regain some of the old time values. They need to challenge and educate rather than exploit and titillate. One look at the trash on the Jerry Springer show and you can see the results of our gradual loss of values. June Cleaver will never be the same. What was once a simple, humanizing half hour television show, the new "Leave it to Beaver" will star the hometown hotties from Maxim magazine. If that isn't enough, wait for the new "I've Got a Secret."

6. Which leads me to secrets....we need to have some again. Look at the insane volume of television commercials aimed at making women "fresh," and men "able." I really don't care if a couple in their sixties can screw. That's their problem. And if Joe misses a home run because he has to pee again, tough shit.

We are being assaulted with commercials for products designed for increasing the effectiveness of our genitalia. You can't get away from it. They run them on Nickelodeon for gawd sakes.

Then there is the commercial about a couple who apparently took advantage of the miracle properties of Cialis, and celebrate it by sitting in public naked in separate bathtubs. You go to all the trouble and expense of taking a male enhancement medication, and then sit in separate tubs. makes no sense. Now the woman is alone and horny, and the man sits alone sporting wood. It's just weird.

7. We are walking medicine chests. You name the malady, and there is a pill for it. And a name for it. And a doctor who specializes in its treatment. And a support group for the sufferers, and one for the relatives of sufferers who are coping with how to help. And eighteen web sites for it. And hour long Oprah Winfrey shows devoted to it. And three best selling books about it. And this is just for crotch rot.

5 PHONE ETIQUETTE VIOLATIONS THAT WOULD TEMPT ME TO GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT WITH A SOUP SPOON

1. Wear a blue tooth in your ear 24/7. OK, you are out of your car & you can actually use your friggin' hands to answer your precious phone. Personally, I refuse to talk to anyone wearing one for fear they are actually on the phone to someone else, which would make me look even dumber than you, Captain friggin' Spock.

2. Even worse are the cheapskates who use the wired up ear buds (retail value....$6). So now you have a phone in your front pocket and a wire coming out of each ear to your precious phone just in case someone mis-dials and actually gives you the chance to look like someone wants to talk to you. Good look asshole. Wearing these at all times just in case you get a call is like having 30 sheets of toilet paper up your ass in case you have to poop.

3. Worse yet are the people who desperately want to show you "something cool" on their new phone, then take up a half hour of your time finding it. Let me clue you in...no one gives a damn about anything on your phone. If you have to bore me with some internet stolen crap, at least figure out how to use the mother f*cker before you monopolize an hour of my time just to show me a video of your cat eating its own poop.

4. You know what I really enjoy? Having someone come up to you at work with their personal phone and stick it in your face, only to realize they are showing you pornography in the workplace, a clear case of a zero tolerance policy which wither requires me to turn you in, or risk my job. Thanks bud, but I am 50 years old, and I have seen a naked body before. Never saw one do that to a can of Pringles before, but all the same....leave me the hell alone.

5. The latest fad? Having to have pictures in your cell phone of everyone in your address book. So when you wife calls, you have a full screen picture of your wife on your phone. That's cool, but do you really have to see a picture of me when I call? That is a little strange for my tastes. If my phone wasn't supplied by my employer I would have pictures of everyone on my global address book, and when you called, I would have a picture of a dogs butt.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU POOP

1. Floater: Your poop floats due to your avoidance of meat and animal protein. Your favorite alcoholic beverage is vodka and flax seed oil (a piledriver). You always eat healthy things, like grains and salad greens. You become sexually excited at sod farms because you are a fucking cow. Put a bell around your neck and go munch on my lawn.

2. Long bomb: Your poop is longer than your forearm. You prefer Jack's value menu. You think you will be OK as long as you eat less than $10 bucks at any meal. Your colon is like the slip and slide from hell. You are going to die and be buried in a Styrofoam coffin.

3. Burnin' love: Your farts comes out on fire, and your poop makes your ass burn more than a weekend at Andy Dick's house. You eat anything spicy and consider hot sauce a food group. You're the reason someone invented the asbestos enema bag. You are destined for a life of loneliness. Your diet is the reason they call it the rectum.
4. Weapons of mass consumption: You are the only one who can possibly stand the stench of your own poop. You eat every meal at all you can eat buffets. You also think a "C" in the window means "C" ya later. You have all of the charm and charisma of a colostomy bag salesman. Even your hemorrhoids got up and walked away from your intestines. Your only hope of owning a pet who loves you is to catch a buzzard off a shit wagon.

5. Unknown rectanance: You eat so much grease, you cannot trust even the tiniest of farts to not have solid properties. You regularly engage in a contest to see which you can do faster, sit down or poop, a contest you often lose. Your underwear has more skid marks than Talledega. You should wear brown socks at all times.

6. Pasta pooper: Your poop comes out like vermicelli. You eat anything sold at the Hostess Bake Shop. Your intestine looks like a ten year old airless paint sprayer hose that has never been cleaned. Doctors are physically unable to give your ass a colonoscopy; and even if they did, your polyps would be encapsulated with vanilla icing. You will be the first patient ever to need a stint for your large intestine.

7. Klingon warship: The only way to get you to drink water is to torture you with water boarding. Your poop comes out like week old un-refrigerated avocado dip. Actually it never really leaves your body. Your toilet paper of choice is Brawny. The only way to help you is set your bidet at 4500 psi.

8. Bouquet of roses: Your poop not only comes out perfect, it could be sold as an air freshener. There is barely a need for you to use toilet paper at all. You look at your poop with unreasonable amounts of pride. In a perfect world, you would invite a friend in and brag about your last elimination. Last year, you asked Santa for your own endoscope. You make a proctologist look like a fecalphobe. Your favorite web site is http://www.toiletstool.com/. Your local proctology school just named you homecoming king. You frequently "forget" to flush so your mate can see the results of your last masterpiece, which you frequently name. Your bathroom door is made of glass. You are Rimbrandt, Googin and Moanet rolled up into one. Dr Oz thinks of you whenever he masturbates.

20 SIGNS YOU SHOULD GO ON THE "BIGGEST LOSER"

1. You can't tie you shoes without loss of consciousness
2. You haven't seen your penis since the 8th grade
3. Your spouse hasn't seen your penis since the Clinton administration
4. Your definition of oral sex involves something from the Hostess Bake Shop
5. You think the Pillsbury poppin fresh guy is kind of sexy
6. Your vagina has been visited less than an English dentist
7. Your last poop measured longer than your forearm
8. You buy a talking scale and it says "one at a time, please"
9. You are named Cannibal magazine's sexiest man of the year
10. The only place you can weigh yourself is at a truck stop
11. You are Rosie O'Donnell
12. Your dog knows the Domino's delivery man better than you
13. Delta Airlines charges you $150 for excess baggage, and you have no luggage
14. You have been thrown out of Hometown Buffet
15. You have skin tags larger than your penis
16. You have been offered a contract as a celebrity endorser of Jell-o
17. You walk into a porta-potty and the shit throws up
18. Sara Lee owns a yacht named after you.
19. You get thank you cards from Ronald McDonald
20. You consider Bac-os a food group

TOP 15 WAYS TO KNOW THE STIMULUS PACKAGE IS WORKING

1. If you go anywhere and there's a line (besides the unemployment office), the stimulus is working.
2. If you go to the food bank and there isn't a line, the stimulus is working.
3. If people stop adopting pets from the dog pound for meat, the stimulus is working.
4. If your local grocery store got Velveeta off their shortage list, the stimulus is working.
5. If you go to a restaurant, and see someone leaving a tip, the stimulus is working.
6. If your local prostitute stops accepting food stamps as payment, the stimulus is working.
7. If the collection plate on Sunday has any paper on it at all besides an IOU, the stimulus is working.
8. If you stop keeping Jack's value menu committed to memory, the stimulus is working.
9. If one of your credit cards no longer declines, the stimulus is working.
10. If your 12 year old starts sneaking into your wallet again looking to steal money, the stimulus is working.
11. If you start turning up your nose at Spam again, the stimulus is working.
12. If you start shopping at Costco on Sundays to actually buy something, and not to feed your family lunch, the stimulus is working.
13. If you get off the freeway and the man holding up a sign that says "will work for food" isn't your dry cleaner, the stimulus is working.
14. If you start feeling bad about beating the shit out of a girl scout for her cookies, the stimulus is working.
15. If the Obama cabinet starts paying off their back taxes, the stimulus is working.

15 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE

1. If you walk your dog down the street and you don’t pick up your dogs shit, you’re an asshole.
2. If you swear in front of small children, you're an asshole.
3. If you own a pet less than five pounds, dress it, and carry it around town with you, you’re an asshole.
4. If you go to Starbucks and use your wireless computer to view porn, you are an asshole.
5. If you didn’t tell your mother you loved her the last time you spoke, you’re an asshole.
6. If you told my mother you loved her, and you aren’t in my immediate family, you’re an asshole.
7. If you can't get a woman, and criticize everyone elses, you're an asshole.
8. If your only fashion accessory is a toothpick, you're an asshole.
9. If you carry on a blue tooth conversation while in a line anywhere, you're an asshole.
10. If you pay at a fast food restaurant with a hundred dollar bill, you're an asshole.
11. If you park in a handicapped parking place, then try to make up for it by limping, you're an asshole.
12. If you are always touching your crotch in public to make adjustments, you're an asshole.
13. If you are over 15, and wear t-shirts with sayings on them, you're an asshole.
14. If you make derogatory comments based on hate or bigotry, you're an asshole.
15. If you ever voted for George Bush, you are the gold standard in assholes

10 ADOLESCENT MALE WARNING SIGNS

1. He watches American Idol because of Ryan Seacrest
2. He picks at his food, claiming to be "watching his figure"
3. His favorite drink is a cherry Slurpee
4. He has a name for his penis, and it is a feminine name
5. He has always dreamed of being an alter boy
6. He is a member of the Jonas brothers fan club
7. He has an autographed picture of Charles Nelson Reilly
8. His favorite sport is figure skating
9. His best friend has a name for your sons penis
10. Michael Phelps makes him want to "go for the gold"

SUPER BOWL ETIQUETTE

This may not be much for you, but for people like me, this is about as cool as it gets. An entire season of watching every stinkin' game we can coming to an absolute crescendo. Dissecting each game, each player, defensive and offensive strategies, the works. And it's about to come to the end. The Super Bowl of football.
So lets get real. If you got invited to our homes for the game, nine times out of ten, our wives invited you. We don't need company, just two teams, six refs and two people announcing the game. We are into it. If you aren't, stay out in the friggin' kitchen. Make us some hors d'oeurves, you manly man. That's rule number one. Here are some more....

2. Don't spill anything on my leather couch, especially if it was spilled when you saw something during the game that made you jump up and squeal like a little fucking girl.
3. Absolutely no Styrofoam fingers, pom poms, or any thing with a bobble head, and that includes your worthless piece of shit children.
4. Nothing.....nothin looks dumber than a fat guy in a football jersey and sweat pants. Anyone who wears a jersey should be at least able to tie their own shoes for gawd sakes.
5. Don't try to bullshit us. Don't tell us you were the starting guard for Bumfuck University in 1996, because I have google, and B.U. has a web site, fool.
6. Do not, repeat, do not bring your girlfriend / wife unless she is absolutely smoking fucking hot. This is a guy thing. We want football and cheerleaders and beer and ribs. Anything else is a distraction. If you do bring your girlfriend, she better come complete with a stripper pole for halftime.
7. Shut the fuck up. If we wanted to talk all fucking day, we would still be married.
8. Bring what you drink. What are you fucking diabetic?
9. Do not tell me about your fucking fantasy football league, baseball card files or your comic book collection. They are all queer to me. No that is not bias against homosexuals. Hell, even Andy Dick thinks your fantasy football league is gay.
10. Be a man....hold your fucking liquor. There are three things I do not want to clean up from you during your visit, spilled beer, BBQ sauce on my couch, and your puke.
11. Unless you know the crowd really, really well, never root against the hosts favorite team. Come into my house and root for USC and I will key your car, do your wife, and tell your son you are worried because he will find out you are not his real father.
Enjoy the Game!!! Steelers 31 Cardinals 23
Oh shit....I almost fucking forgot...Here is what I do not want to hear immediately after halftime and the start of the third quarter.....your fucking reviews of the commercials so far, or anything about the half time show unless it involved full frontal nudity. Ready? Break.

THE BEST NEW YEARS LAUGH EVER

You will have to wait around 38 seconds, but this is as funny as it gets! Kathy Griffin rocks, period. Maybe this will get this innocuous New Years Eve boring shit off the air waves. I wouldn't wait 10 seconds to see some stupid friggin' "ball drop," but there is never, never anything on worth watching on New Years night, but this crap. Anderson Cooper, Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest, in their endless pursuit of a buck at the expense of their dignity. But, a damn good gig for Kathy, and the only one worth staying up late for!! She is a bawdy laugh riot.

2008 BUMPER STICKERS OF THE YEAR

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot"

"I started out with nothing and still have most of it left"

"Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ...

not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car"

THE KIMBA GIFT BASKET

1. To Jennifer Aniston: a little taste in men. Holy shit Rachel, where are you shopping for your men, a thrift store, or a Mommies Anonymous meeting?

2. To Cindy McCain: a torrid affair with a much younger man (possibly Italian). Please don't tell me you are still doing your husband!!

3. To Michael Phelps: multiple trips to a top notch cosmetic dentist office. Either get your teeth fixed or enter a professional corn on the cob eating contest. Holy shit, the last time I saw a mouth like yours, it was on a halloween pumpkin.
4. To Michelle Obama: ditto. You have more teeth than Mr. Ed for God sakes.

5. To Barack Obama: the courage to stop lying about your smoking. So you are the black Marlboro man, so the f*ck what.

6. To Caroline Kennedy: a little grace. You want to be a Senator, go out and earn it like the rest of your family did. Do you really think we owe you something?

7. To that Angelina Jolie creature: coming home and finding your hubby cheating on you. Not just cheating on you, but doing the big nasty with a man, two circus geeks, and a Shetland pony. What comes around goes around.

8. To Hillary Clinton: respect. Simple respect for someone who has worked her ass off and gotten ahead, despite getting publically shit hammered by her husband on many occasions.

9. To Ellen De Generis: the realization that no one gives two shits if you are gay. We know you are married for Christ sakes, we got the friggin' memo. And stop buying your clothes at the Men's Warehouse.

10. To the women on "The View": a well deserved pay cut.....and dildo's. Except for the smoking hot blonde who just needs a couple of political science classes, and a good hard fucking.

11. To Paul Newman: an eternity in heaven, and a reunion with the woman you devoted your life to, rest in peace.

12. To Paris Hilton: a reality check, and an overdrawn checking account for a day.

13. To Bill O'Reilly: daily saltwater enemas for life, with aggregate.

14. To the Jonas Brothers: an entry into American Idol, where you wouldn't last two weeks.

15. To Brittany Spears: who seems to be finally getting it together...a year (at least) of celibacy.

16. To Shawn Johnson: an interviewer who asks one original question to a leader of todays youth; about faith, work ethic, sacrifice, and issues related to todays high schoolers. Basically, I wish you the start of a true personna in the media, someone with weight (more than your 110 lbs.), and not just a bubble headed gymnast. I think you have something to say, and are afraid to come out and say it. Like the peace sign, what gives?

17. To Kimba: an original thought devoid of profanities.

Happy Holidays everyone, from Kimba

I CAN'T WAIT FOR CASUAL FRIDAY!!

MY HOW REFRESHING....PET SWEAT & HOT COW PISS

Yes, I truly am an immature little child at heart.
Wanna' hear my latest fart joke?

CREATIVE ADVERTISING

If the light stays on for more than four hours,

contact your electrician.

5 REALLY COOL THINGS THAT HAPPEN WHILE YOU ARE IN THE FETAL POSITION

What, are you kidding me?

I just got a yearly physical, and trust me, nothing....

NOTHING cool happens while you are in the fetal position.

The doc says put on this paper robe with no back to it

(Ok, whats happening?).

The doc says lie on your side

(no problem, doc).

Then he says the magic words....

"bring your knees up to your chest"

Trust me, nothing cool happened after that.

Physician...what a glamour job.

Oh, wait!! I almost forgot....

5 REALLY COOL THINGS MY DOCTOR FOUND

WHILE PROBING UP MY ASS TODAY

1. My bosses shoelace tips

2. My wifes bullshit attitude

3. George Bush's economic policies

4. The John McCain health care platform

5. a referral for a colonoscopy

How was YOUR day?

5 REASONS TO BE, AND NOT TO BE A PENIS

1. Youre bald your whole life.

2. You have a hole in your head.

3. Your neighbors are nuts.

4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and

5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

1. You are balled your entire life

2. You get to occasionally wear colorful hats

3. Early in life, you get frequent massages

4. You spend all day lounging in your own hammock

5. You never have to worry about being hassled by Rosie O'Donnell

LET'S ALL MASTURBATE FOR PEACE

A noble effort, indeed. Click on this link for one of the most imaginative and timely sites around. The site contains pictures, bawdy humor, poems, and ......

yes, even music (click on this link if you dare). WWW.MASTURBATEFORPEACE.COM. As Martha Stewart would say...it's a good thing. But, beware, in addition to pithy slogans such as the one on the bumper sticker above, you will see "don't bomb a city....pet your kitty," and others sure to amuse. You have to love the internet, where you can find everything, from A to Z.

TEN REASONS WHY YOU DON'T WANT TO TURN FIFTY

1. hair grows in many new locations, except the top of your head (let your mind wander)
2. you now have the ability to throw your back out...by coughing, sneezing, or farting
3. waking up to a "wet dream" has taken on an all new meaning
4. you now define a "cougar" as someone over 60.
5. foreplay is an hour waiting for the blue pill to kick in
6. you have nightmares about catheters
7. the only time you can't pee, is when you want to pee
8. barbers offer to trim your eyebrows and ears
9. you still consider Sally Field "do-able"
10. thirty year old women get up and offer you their seat on the subway
11. one word: colonoscopy

FAVORITE WORDS, AND WHAT THEIR MEANINGS SHOULD BE

1. clitoris: a mouthwash
2. piccolo: scratching your butt
3. intermission: hitting bars at 1:30am for the leftovers
4. foreskin: underwear
5. buffoon: music instrument played in the nude
6. platypus: a venereal disease
7. menstruate: guys who hate Barry Manilow
8. root canal: get that catheter away from me!
9. flatulence: couch potato disease
10. jellyfish: a vagina liberally anointed with KY

TOP TEN DISTINCTIVE AND GROSS SOUNDS

1. The sound of corduroy pants rubbing together caused by fat upper thighs.
2. The sound of someone holding their nostril closed and blowing their noses onto the ground.
3. Roseanne Barr's laugh.
4. The sound of a toilet plunger doing its work
5. (a tie) The whirling pitch of a dentists drill, and the appliance they use to suck all of the moisture out of your mouth.
6. Someone sucking the remnants of corn on the cob from between their teeth.
7. Knuckles cracking.
8. The sound of naked flesh unsticking from a leather couch on a hot day.
9. The sound made by that last bit of ketchup coming out of the bottle.
10. The morning after attending yesterdays all you can eat Broccoli Festival.

TEN REASONS WHY YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR McCAIN

1. He is an absolute, out of his mind, hothead.
This is the guy who used an "F" bomb on the floor of the Senate, not the kind of guy you want next to the red button.
2. He is a bigot
What kind of an a-hole would vote against a national holiday for Martin Luther King, Jr.
3. He STILL thinks we can win the Vietnam war.
Talk about denial...
4. He actually thinks Palin could run this country.
Guess he would rather win the election than do what is right for the country.
5. He is a liar, pure and simple
He talks about honest and clean campaigns, then runs the dirtiest, slander filled campaign in modern day history
6. He would be nothing without his wife's money
Yes, you heard me. He wouldn't be shit without her. Never had a real job in his life.
7. His love affair with Ronald Reagan is nothing short of fucking weird.
If he were in the next stall over, his foot would look like Thumper, my friends.
8. He is the least funny man alive.
He couldn't make you laugh with a tank of nitrous oxide and three whoopee cushions.
9. He is anti-woman.
For one thing, look at his VP's platforms, then remember he publically called Cindy the "C" word (one of the most vile words...so vile I won't even spell it out).
10. His only milestone, his storied military career is based on failures.
Either he gets shot down, or flies into the ocean. Audie Murphy he ain't.

TEN REASONS WHY SHAWN JOHNSON WOULD BE THE PERFECT PARTNER FOR ME

1. I excel in the "floor exercise."
2. I can get out those underarm sweat stains from her leotard
3. She already roommates with someone "Nastia"
4. I can kick Chris Hansen's ass.
5. She does back flips over something 4 inches
6. You should see my bar routine
7. I already have one of those chalk dispensers in my bedroom
8. I was born in Vermont. Iowa would be exciting compared to that.
9. You should see my dismount.
10. Pedophilia has always gotten a bad rap.

TOP TEN REASONS TO ENROLL AT U.S.C.

1. Your SAT score is in double digits
2. You think Pete Carroll could coach his way out of a paper bag
3. You are comfortable on the Harbor freeway
4. Your local community college wouldn't take you
5. You have multiple felony counts on your record
6. It's the only college you can spell
7. You already have signed with an agent
8. You think Reggie Bush is a slang term for a vagina
9. You like knowing they have an abortion clinic on campus
10. You hate natural blond hair

5 WAYS YOU CAN TELL A FOOTBALL PLAYER IS ON STEROIDS

1 Their testicles are the size of quail eggs
2 You could make french fries off from the grease on their face
3 They need three numbers on their uniforms to cover the back of their jersey
4 Their arms are no longer long enough to wipe their own ass
5 They play for the Oakland Raiders

TEN REASONS WHY MICHAEL PHELPS FEVER MUST GO AWAY

1. He swims. Big fucking deal, everybody swims, just slower. Not exactly a mind blowing accomplishment.
2. He needed someone else to go get the relay medal for him.
3. He is in severe need of cosmetic dental surgery (corn on the cob eating contest any one?).
4. He has nothing to say of interest.
5. He is as inarticulate as you will find on the center stage (check out the Shawn Johnson public speaking seminar, please).
6. He is not an attractive man.
7. Swimming is a once every four year sport.
8. He is enormously blessed with a tremendous amount of constant saliva. Nothing short of a portable dental apparatus could save him from drowning in his own juices.
9. What can he do at public appearances, swim?
10. He sucked on Saturday Night Live.

THE KIMBA ALL TIME DORK LIST

Newt Gingrich

Steve Garvey

Oprah Winfrey

Keith Olberman

Alan Hamill (Mr. Suzanne Sommers)

Bob Costas

David Hasselhoff

Arianna Huffington

The MySpace guy who impregnated Brittany Palin

David Archuleta

Michael Phelps

TOP 5 PEOPLE IN SERIOUS NEED OF AN ENEMA

Harold Ford Jr.

John Kerry

James Dobson

Bill O'Reilly

John McCain

TOP FIVE THINGS YOU DO NOT WANT TO WAKE UP AND FIND ON YOUR PENIS

5. a colony of fire ants

4. A body tag

3. A sore of any kind

2. Anything served on a stick at the Beijing Olympics

1. Brittany Spears

runners-up:

any one of the skanks on the U.S. beach volleyball team

Madeline Albright

a splint

any of the male guest stars from Nightline

REPUBLICAN 10 COMMANDMENTS

thou must lack empathy due to an excessive degree of self-absorption
thou must believe that he or she is exceptional and morally superior
thou must frequently engage in exploitative behaviors
thou must require frequent acquisition of goods he or she doesn’t need
thou must (on occasion) resort to some form of overt or covert violence, coercion, or extortion to resolve conflicts
thou must perceive others as obstacles to his or her “success”
thou must disregard laws and rules except as a means to achieve his or her agenda
thou must demonstrate deep hypocrisy by projecting a righteous, benevolent image while committing reprehensible acts
thou must refuse to accept the consequences of his or her actions
thou must accept Jesus Christ as his or her personal savior

5 REASONS WHY YOUR PENIS IS NOT LIKE A LIGHT BULB

1. works well when not screwed into a socket

2. works in the dark

3. it is never too hot to handle

4. never gets brighter before it burns out

5. doesn't come in florescent

THE THREE CREEPIEST PEOPLE I KNOW

Number one: creepy, "laughing my ass off" Hillary
Number two: Creepy, "God you have nice tits" Hillary

Number three: creepy, "black magic witch" Hillary

10 THINGS THE POLITICIANS SHOULD REALLY BE TALKING ABOUT

1. Hunger
2. Loneliness
3. Childhood illiteracy
4. Hate
5. Childhood obesity
6. Homelessness
7. Unemployment
8. Bigotry
9. Hate

But mostly, if I had one wish, it would be to end despair.

That's the all encompassing emotion that says it all.

No hope, no one to help, no answers, no end in sight, despair.

#10, my all time least favorite word, DESPAIR.

Reprinted from Monday, January 01, 2007, because they still are true.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR PARENTS
Having problems coming up with New Years resolutions? Here are just six of my many suggestions.... Got another? Just click on the word "comments" at the end of this post. Happy New Year and as always, thanks for reading, Kimba.

1. Teach your pre-school aged child to read. Start now. Put away those fucking Barney videos and read to your kid. We are raising a generation of video idiots who can't keep up with the world. They start school and do not know their alphabet, they can't read even simple sight words, hell, some of the kids today haven't even been taught how to hold a book let alone read one. And stop blaming the teachers. Elementary school teachers are behind from the very start. Junior and High School teachers are in fear for their lives in some areas. Just getting out alive is a good day.

2. Read something other than the sports page. Pick up a book sometime. Yes, they still make them. And they require no batteries, no cables and no assembly will be required. And they are free. Yes, free. Just get your library card and go down..........Yeah, like you have a damn library card. Do you even know where your library is? Do it at least once. And take your kid. For one thing you just might be modeling a positive behavior for once, and lets face it, wouldn't it be nice to see your kid whisper for once instead of the usual screaming, arguing and drama calls? You may not be able to shut your kid up, but those librarians don't fuck around. They'll shut the little bastards up.

3. Let's all agree that doing anything else besides driving while on the freeway is ignorant and dangerous. You are encased in a 3000 pound piece of metal traveling at eighty miles an hour down a freeway surrounded other cars and trucks, and you want to make a god damn phone call? You are separated from other cars by less than 5 feet on both sides of you, all three of you are driving at break neck speed to get home, and all three of you decide you need to talk to your spouses, or check voice mail, whatever. That is just plain fucking stupid my friends. Anything that takes away from your ability to safely operate your vehicle is stupid. Do it for your own safety, or the safety of your kids, shit, do it for me, I am the guy driving sensibly to your right while you are having your Nascar flash back. I'd flip you the bird, but you may be one of those crazy idiots on the road with a loaded handgun by your side.

4. Stop hating. No sermon here. The world is full of hatred; don't be a part of it. Discrimination, bigotry, harassment, stupid jokes, just stop it. And if you cannot stop it, keep that shit to yourselves. At the very least try not to pass your ignorance on to your children. It's wrong and it's not funny. It never was.

5. Tattoos look stupid. Who on earth decided for the mindless sheep of the world that this shit was cool? My god, everybody's got them now. I think that's why cut off shirts are in fashion. Got to show off my pierced belly button and the tattoo of the soaring eagle located exactly one inch from the start of the crack of my ass, which I also display proudly for you and your children.

6. Your daughter is dressing like a whore. OK, so that's not a resolution. But its true. Girls today wear clothing that even Madonna thinks are too slutty. Skin tight sweats with the word "juicy" across her butt? Is it any wonder that the boys today are getting whipped up into a lather? Boys today are having sex before the age of fifteen, and that isn't even counting that time with their English teachers. When we were growing up we didn't need birth control. The only birth control we needed were girls who said no.

7. Let's keep things in the proper perspective: Farts are actually very funny. You may not want your child to join a brass band with this particular talent, but that doesn't mean you have to fake your outrage or disdain at a very normal physical act. And, oh, by the way, taking the tact with your child that you somehow are the one human being on earth that hasn't let one slip in public and laughed about it, is a disengenuous lie, and you kids will immediately see through the bullshit.

FAVORITE CELEBRITY DOUCHE MATERIALS

5. Marion Jones.....human growth hormone
4. Paris Hilton.....Crystal champagne
3. Lyndsay Lohan.....Jack Daniels
2. Rosie O'Donnell.....a combination of teardrops from the blond on "The View" and beach sand
1. Ann Coulter.....none, because it would be redundant

5 REASONS WHY HILLARY CLINTON WILL NOT GET ELECTED

1. She isn't attractive: I used to think the right wing media just refused to publish a decent picture of her. I apologize.

2. Her public speaking skills: she can't make us laugh, she can't motivate us, and she can't make us feel...well, much of anything.

3. She is about as lovable as a suicide bomber. How can I put this? Well, most of the blogs use the term bitch, when describing her. I think when the cameras aren't around, she is more than likely, the Michael Jordan of bitchery. All Pro. No wonder poor Bill slept with the occasion cheerleader. And that leads us to number 4, folks.

4. The American people never liked you. Listen Hill, let me clue you in on something. When Bill was running around on you during his Presidency, we sided with the other woman. Sorry. I think Bill's exploits treated us to two things: first, we like men who play. Especially with your husbands good looks. Second, it was kind of reassuring that if he was playing during the day, that meant that someone who we loved so much (your husband) wasn't going home and resorting to sex with you.

4. You may be cheating on Bill with a woman. Hey, the rumor is out there. I have even seen the pictures of the woman (allegedly). Strange world, isn't it Hill? If the American people every find out you are cheating on Bill with anybody, they will be pissed. We forgave Bill with a smile. Don't cross William Jefferson. We love that guy. We don't much care for you.

But, good Lord help us, you may just be the best candidate out there, and if Bill promises to run the country in the background, we might just elect you.

5 SURE FIRE SIGNS THAT GLOBAL WARMING EXISTS

5. Most Alaskian cruises now recommend just a light sweater
4. The "tip of the iceberg" is heading south towards Oregon
3. Brittany Spears now wears underwear in public
2. Santa has his place up for sale
1. Dick Cheney's heart is no longer colder than a grave diggers ass

FIVE PEOPLE GUARANTEED TO BE FIRED NEXT YEAR

1. George Bush
2. Condoleeza Rice
3. Dick Cheney
4. Harry Reid
5. Karl Doryell (UCLA Bruin football head coach)

THE GREATEST BASKETBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME

5 INVENTIONS WE NEED TODAY

Low cost solar energy systems

A TV polygraph machine

A camera that takes OFF 10 pounds

An affordable drug testing system for anyone getting $ from the government

A young actress who is not an absolute nut case

TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR ADMISSION INTO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY

1. thou must lack empathy due to an excessive degree of self-absorption
2. thou must believe that he or she is exceptional and morally superior
3. thou must frequently engage in exploitative behaviors
4. thou must require frequent acquisition of goods he or she doesn’t need
5. thou must (on occasion) resort to some form of overt or covert violence, coercion, or extortion to resolve conflicts
6. thou must perceive others as obstacles to his or her “success”
7. thou must disregard laws and rules except as a means to achieve his or her agenda
8. thou must demonstrate deep hypocrisy by projecting a righteous, benevolent image while committing reprehensible acts
9. thou must refuse to accept the consequences of his or her actions
10. thou must accept Jesus Christ as his or her personal savior

6 PEOPLE NO ONE WANTS TO BE

O J's girlfriend

Senator Larry Craig

Rosie O'Donnell's gynaecologist

Brittany Spear's children

Lindsay Lohan's driving instructor

Dennis Kucinich

5 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES I COULD AT LEAST STOMACH RUNNING OUR COUNTRY

Hillary Clinton (D)

Al Gore (D)

John Edwards (D)

Mike Huckabee (R)

Fred Thompson (R)

Sam Brownback (R)

Links provided to campaign blogs.

Click on the candidate.

Or read my political blog here.

5 THINGS I HATE ABOUT THE RIGHT

Arrogance / Hubris

Ignorance

Disdain for the constitution / individual rights

Hypocritical B.S.

Closeted sexual deviants

10 THINGS CAPABLE OF GIVING ME AN ERECTION

1. Meg Ryan
2. Dorothy Hamill
3. Valerie Plame
4. Valerie Bertinelli
5. Jennifer Harman
6. Allie Lewis
7. Khristine Mc Phee
8. Sarah Paulson
9. Paula Creamer
10. A 4x4

NAMES GUARANTEED TO RESULT IN ONE #&%*+@ UP KID

1. Waldo
2. Bubba
3. Adolf
4. Poindexter
5. Melvin
6. Suk Won
7. Osama
8. Ida
9. Bertha
10. Paris (or any other city)

A LIST OF THE ONLY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD THAT COULD STOP TIGER WOODS FROM WINNING THE PGA CHAMPIONSHIP TODAY

1. God
2. Steve Williams
3. Hannibal Lechter
4. Tiger Woods

7 STEPS TO FEELING GOOD TODAY

How to start your day feeling good!!!!
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "George W. Bush"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of George W. Bush?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.
PS: Next week let's do Dick Cheney

THE 5 BIGGEST LOSERS OF THE MONTH

Number five: Lindsay Lohan: destined for the Paris Hilton suite for her latest driving escapade. So looped she forgot to take the cocaine out of her pocket.

Number four: Michael Vick: for cruelty to animals, he is about to lose everything...money, reputation, social status. Unfortunately he will not lose his fame...for this, not football. Desperves to be locked into the pen, and I do not mean a penitentary.

Number three: Oprah Winfrey: She just got new neighbors. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Can't wait until Tom drops by witnessing for L. Ron Hubbard in a white shirt and a 10 speed bike.

Number two: Isiah Washington: Fired for calling another actor on "Grey's Anatomy" a "fag." He has now become the dumb shit of the month--lost his job and any hope of a serious acting career. I guess you could say he fucked himself in the ass.

Number one: Whomever is performing oral sex on Rosie O'Donnell

8 RECENT ADMINISTRATION LIES

1. Valerie Plame was not a covert operative in the CIA.

2. Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11

3. The United States does not employ the use of torture

4. The White House would fire any administration official who leaked classified information about Plame.

5. Hussein had weapons of mass destruction

6. "I don't believe anyone that I know in the administration ever said that Iraq had nuclear weapons."Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, at a hearing of the Senate's appropriations subcommittee on defense, May 14, 2003
"We believe he has, in fact, reconstituted nuclear weapons." Vice President Dick Cheney on NBC's Meet the Press, March 16, 2003

7. May 1, 2003. "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED"

THE FIVE THINGS FOUND DURING THE PRESIDENTS COLONOSCOPY

1. Dick Cheney's political agenda
2. Nancy Pelosi and her oversight committees
3. A PNAC membership card
4. Halliburton stock
5. His brain

8 CONTRABAND ITEMS FOUND DURING PARIS HILTON'S CAVITY SEARCHES

8. more DNA than at the OJ crime scene
7. solid gold cigarette lighter
6. Larry King's phone number
5. 2 grams of Peruvian flake
4. The latest Sarah Silverman DVD
3. 5 West Hol. moving violations
2. A bottle of Crystal champagne
1. Nicole Ritchie

10 PEOPLE NO ONE SHOULD GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT

Rosie O'Donnell

Paula Abdul

Lindsay Lohan

Paris Hilton

Hasselhoff

Brad Pitt

Angelina Jolie

Michael Richards

Lou Dobbs

Me

WHAT IS WRONG WITH TODAYS CHILDREN

1. No respect for their elders
2. Poor manners

3. Poor role models

4. We are spoiling them

5. Being taught to read and write far too late

6. Video games

7. The corruption of the family unit

8. No religious beliefs

9. TV is corrupting them & is poorly censored

10. No value for human life, including their own

11. Processed foods / Fast food

12. No dreams

13. No hope

14. No exercise (mental & physical)

15. Pathetic school systems

16. Lack of self esteem

17. Abuse (parental & self abuse)

18. Poverty/Hunger

19. Neglected

20. No aspirations

10 THINGS THAT NEVER SHOULD HAVE DIED

1. INNOCENCE

2. STANDARDS

3. PUBLIC OFFICIALS WITH MORALS

4. PARENTING SKILLS

5. THE NUCLEAR FAMILY

6. UNBIASED RELIGIONS

7. COMPROMISE

8. JOURNALISM

9. PUBLIC DEBATE

10. AMERICA'S STATURE THROUGHOUT THE WORLD

10 THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO BE IN MEMORIUM OF

1. PEOPLE WITH NO MANNERS
2. GREED FOR THE ALMIGHTY DOLLAR
3. TELEVISION REALITY SHOWS
4. WAR, HATRID & BIGOTRY
5. SHOCK TALK SHOW HOSTS
6. LIARS & DISHONESTY
7. APATHY
8. SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TATTOOS
9. THE BUTCHERING OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
10. RICH, SPOILED, DRUG ADDICTED YOUNG ACTRESSES

HAVE A HAPPY AND SAFE MEMORIAL DAY 2007

10 THINGS ABOUT MY MOM

1. She once hit me in the arm with a bowling trophy of mine out of frustration (I deserved it)
2. She once cooked a Thanksgiving turkey with her cigarette case resting on the turkeys side (we ate it anyway, and it was "smoked" to perfection)
3. The first time she ever lived alone was when my father passed away. She was well into her seventies by then.
4. If I didn't have life threatening asthma / breathing problems in my childhood (many serious asthma attacks / hospitalizations), she would have lived in one small town all of her life (Arlington, Vermont).
5. Her nickname was "Frenchie"
6. Her constant companion(s) were her poodles. Whenever she out lived a dog, she always refused to accept another out of grief, until her husband and her three boys showed up with a new one.
7. She was the best waitress who ever lived. And it was a good thing, when we moved out to California, we needed the money, and the food scraps she brought home.
8. She once washed my mouth out with soap. Literally. Once again, I deserved it, I called my brother a "two bit whore" at the dinner table. My dad was great, he said "you don't even know what that means", and wanted to let it go. He was right, I had no idea what that meant. My mom knew what it meant however, and wasn't about to let it go. I guess I adopted my Dad's parenting style, for good or for bad.
9. She lost a child shortly after childbirth, and never really recovered. Kevin would have been number two in birth order, and thus would have been a year older than me.
10. She was too shy / old fashioned to talk to us about the "birds and the bees", so she got a book and left it in a kitchen drawer, knowing we would find it eventually. I read it cover to cover

10 THINGS YOU SHOULD TEACH YOUR CHILD

Originally posted on:
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
1. TO READ AND SEEK KNOWLEDGE
2. TO THINK
3. TO DREAM
4. TO BE TOLERANT OF OTHERS
5. TO BE THANKFUL
6. TO BE PATIENT
7. TO BE POLITE AND SHOW RESPECT
8. TO KNOW THEY ARE NOT ALONE
9. TO LOVE THEMSELVES
10. TO LOVE OTHERS

10 QUOTES FROM OUR FEARLESS LEADER

1. "And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
2. "And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it"
3. "The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them."
4. "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
5. "The senator has got to understand if he's going to have—he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road."
6. "It's evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I'll be able to do so next fall, I hope."
7. Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis."
8. "I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read—I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do."
9. "I think that the vice president is a person reflecting a half-glass-full mentality."
10. "You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war President. No President wants to be a war President, but I am one."

6 SINGERS I LISTEN TO, AND WILL DENY TO THE GRAVE

1. Linda Eder
2. Jane Olivor
3. Josh Groban
4. Michael Buble
5. Lara Fabian
6. Neil Diamond

2007 MOST OVERPAID BASEBALL PLAYERS

All salaries are per year.

1. Jason Giambi $23,428,571.00
for a hitter plaqued with big time hitting slumps
2. Alex Rodreiguez $22,708,525.00
for a man who cannot play defense
3. Mike Piazza $ 8,500,000.00
no arm, no legs, and greatly reduced bat speed
4. Adrian Beltre $12,900,000.00
not even in his prime, which was three years ago
5. Brad Penny $ 7,750,000.00
broke more hearts in L.A. than Brad Pitt
6. J D Drew $14,000,000.00
a player, yes, but not at this price
7. Shawn Green $ 7,500,000.00
will save you $ on laundry, he never dives for anything
8. Jeff Weaver $ 8,325,000.00
put a fork in him, he is done
9. Milton Bradley $ 4,000,000.00
that's $2 million per personality, hardly a bargain
10. Derek Lowe $ 9,500,000.00
like going "all in" with a pair of Jacks. might work, but an expensive gamble

5 STUPID THINGS I FIND GROSS

5. a man sucking on a straw
4. human feet
3. people who get too close when they talk to you
2. a fat person with a toothpick in their piehole
1. anyone who has ever blown their nose in public
by holding one nostril closed & blowing it on the ground