Saturday, June 09, 2012

WHAT AM I?

I am a useful tool, commonly found in the range of seven to eight inches long, with a function which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. I am usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. I boast a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, I am inserted, almost always willingly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again, many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming body movements. Anyone eavesdropping will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound resulting from the well-lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, I leave behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from my long, glistening shaft. After everything is finished and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, I am returned to my freely handing state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching a climax two or three times a day. What am I?
I am your toothbrush.

Friday, May 18, 2012

BEST SITE EVER IF YOU ARE HUNGRY

http://wherethefuckshouldigotoeat.com/?wherethefuck

Just tell it where you live, and it recommends a place to eat with a map. Don't like it? Tell it the place looks like shit, and it will recommend another one.

Saturday, May 05, 2012

Monday, April 09, 2012

Monday, December 26, 2011

TEN GIFTS BETTER THAN THE FUCKING TOASTER I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS

There it is folks...my well thought out Christmas gift....a fucking toaster. Now, I don't want to be an ungrateful prick, but what kind of a gift is that, and how did that conversation go?
"What do you think daddy wants for Christmas this year? I dunno, he has no life, just spends his time looking at his fucking computer screen.......but wait...he does like toast...."

Bloody brilliant...let's go to Wal-Mart and get his fat ass a toaster!!

So here we are.....me with a fucking toaster (I am not a complete ass.................it is a an excellent toaster) and a list of better gifts they could have surprised me with....


1. a barium enema would have been a much more useful gift (and would make for a very interesting gift card)


2. a medical marijuana card


3. a years subscription to a quality porn site (the gift that keeps on giving)


4. nose hair trimmer (preferably a turbo charged version capable of cutting down small trees and shrub life)


5. a new laptop (my current Dell has more viruses than a New Delhi urgent care)


6. socks soft enough to masturbate in (my Johnson is very sensitive these days) BTW: not sure if "johnson" when used as a descriptor for my penis should be capitalized or not...


7. a gift card to Hooters for obvious reasons...and if it came with a very small video spy cam capable of being used to capture vids of my Hooters waitresses up close, so much the better...the ad money for my Youtube account would absolutely blow up so it would actually be free in the long run....


8. a gift certificate for a massage at any local Asian massage parlor, because they always employ "suggestive sales" techniques towards the end of your visit...

9. a penis enlarger, a gift which would keep on giving....reminds me of when I cut high school and went bowling at a bowling alley with a strip club inside as well down by the airport and dropped 50cents into a bathroom machine claiming to have a penis stretcher, only to get a toy ambulance stretcher with a red cross on it.....

10. a sense of humor and/or a remedial english composition course.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

KIMBA'S ANNUAL CHRISTMAS LIST

They may seem like they have it all...but even these celebrities are desperately in need of one thing under their Christmas tree......so Santa...here ya go....
1. Michelle Obama: a good orthodontist...good Lord, those choppers were only made for eating corn on the cob...I can only imagine the sight of you rendering the pres the occasional oval office blow job...
2. Selena Gomez: condoms,and lots of them. Holy shit, do you really want to risk being impregnated by Justin fucking Bieber?
3. Lady Gaga: medication. The only thing that separates you from bat-shit crazy is your immense musical talent.
4. Barack Obama: testicles. You seemed to have them during the campaign...sprout some and lead.
5. Jennifer Aniston: a conscience and an intense series of acting lessons. Stop taking the money for those crappy movies! For God sakes, you are a flop machine....one stinker after another. To your credit, no one has made more money than you for playing them self over and over and over....
6. Katie Holmes: a divorce. You are a beautiful, loving, talented young woman. Can you really be happy being married to that goofball Tom Cruise? Now that's a "Mission Impossible." Please blink twice if you are being held against your will....
6. Charlie Sheen: a sober moment. Nobody has had more and pissed it all away. Whores...drugs...sure those are fun...for about 6 months, but eventually you have to come back to earth. You think you are cool, but your greatest talent is in public masturbation....you've jacked yourself (and your career) off more than Pee Wee Herman, but at least he has made a come back.
7. Donald Trump: strength. Not personal strength, someone in your life to tell you to sit down and shut the fuck up. You continuously humiliate yourself...and your hair really, really sucks. No really...don't you fucking own a mirror?
8. Oprah: humility. Sure, women watched your show by the millions world wide and you have made an empire from it, but take a look at yourself....you have zero acting ability...really no on air abilities at all. You are the luckiest woman on the face of the planet. You are the woman who played Wheezy on the Jefferson's with a billion dollars. Please go away before we take all that money back.
9. Kimba: a fucking life. The only reason you have any pigment at all is the glow from your laptop.......try going outside once in awhile for gawd sakes....

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Saturday, October 22, 2011

TOP TEN THINGS TO DO ON AN ELEVATOR

1. wait for a female to enter, then scratch your genitals vigorously proclaiming, "damn this new ointment isn't doing a fucking thing"
2. make eye contact with someone for five seconds, then say.."excuse me, but didn't I defend you in a sexual abuse case in court last year?"
3. every time the elevator passes a floor, make a "ding" sound
4. offer to press a button for an incoming rider, then press the wrong one
5. pick up the emergency phone and try to order pizza
6. wait for a single female rider, then "accidentally" drop a condom or two, pretending not to notice. don't pick it up, wait for her to pick them up....then say they aren't yours, and accuse her of dropping them.
7. greet each entering rider with a handshake and introduce yourself as "Mr. Hung."
8. shift your weight back and forth and whisper softly to yourself "my God how much longer can I hold this in?"
9. offer to give all entering riders a back rub
10. when in doubt...fart


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Sunday, August 28, 2011

MODERN DAY ISSUES

Your hand is too fucking fat to fit into the Pringles can,

so you are forced to tilt it.

The Domino's pizza tracker isn't working,

and you're not sure when to put your pants on.

You're trying to text at a red light,

but you keep hitting them all green.

You forgot to bring your phone in with you while taking a dump,

and you were unbearably bored the whole time.

You turn on Jerry Springer, and two of the guests are former lovers.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Saturday, August 06, 2011

TOP TEN REASONS WHY I AM A TERRIBLE HUSBAND AND FATHER

1. I never, ever replace anything after using the last...copy paper, paper towels or the ultimate sin....toilet paper.
2. I don't do theme parks
3. I have refused both my child's and spouse's friendship requests on Facebook.
4. I don't do poop....either from my daughter (almost never), or my dogs.
5. I would rather have my testicles pierced than watch any family show on TV. Glee makes my teeth itch.
6. I have, on occasion, erased something of importance to my family to make room for something I wanted to record on the DVR.
7. Ever since I became engaged (she proposed), I have always kept a secret stash of cash.
8. I picture my wives friends bare ass naked.
9. I pee in the pool if need be to avoid getting out, then back in.
10. What, the first nine weren't fucking bad enough?

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Friday, June 03, 2011

8 THINGS I (BARELY) HATE MORE THAN LEBRON JAMES

1. jock itch
2. riding an elevator with anyone who's flatulent
3. Donald Trump's hair
4. pus
5. when my dog has poop that only comes half way out of his butt and sticks there
6. genital warts
7. vomiting stomach acid...out your nose
8. Sarah Palin

Saturday, May 21, 2011

I MEAN COME ON...IT CAN'T BE JUST ME???

Scott, very talented American Idol finalist
Alfred E. Neuman, Professional piece of shit




Sunday, April 17, 2011

FORTUNE COOKIE FORTUNES

1. That wasn't chicken...it was "sum yung guy"
2. Lion not betray wife, but tiger wood
3. Man with five dicks have pants that fit like a glove
4. It's easy to see who best man is at a nudist's wedding
5. Baseball all wrong...man with four balls cannot walk
6. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
7. Man who sleep with wife and mistress get sweet and sour
8. Waiters speaking chinese tonight talk about your wife's tits

Saturday, March 26, 2011

KAPUT

Sorry folks, but my laptop has succumb to a virus and refuses to even open up windows any more....I will return to the world where the insane meets the profane shortly.
Until then, I am sneaking into my office and posting this on my spouses computer. Which begs this question....do I dare use her computer to view some of the quality porn that almost certainly brought my laptop to its knees? This is certainly a moral dilemma of the highest order...what to do, what to do, what to do?
It's not that I am hooked, or anything. I am not some Charlie Sheen sexual freak that craves the steamy underbelly of the sexual world, but there are occasions when it comes in handy (no pun intended), like the rare occurrences when a grown man is left alone in the house.
It's not like I am some perverted, lonely jack off seeking inspiration on a virus ridden porn site, except to say that I miss going to those steamy, low class web sites. It's not like I survive alone on these sites, but any man...any mature man realizes they will occasionally need to bolster his lovemaking repertoire with a few quick hits during the week., and if that means pulling up a web site featuring some heroin addicted crack whore going down on the paper boy, does that make me a sick perv?
OK, don't answer that....but please do answer this....do I, or don't I risk serious damage to my partners PC by going to my former fav web sites, my old reliables to seek the comfort and company of some hotties for a short pleasure trip?
Click on the word comments below and give me some advice, while I wage war with the dickheads at Best Buy, who want to charge me an arm and a leg for the repair of a computer fully under warranty? I mean, for gawd sakes...if anyone could understand my dilemma, it should be the pimple and pus faced freaks who work for the so called "Geek Squad." Those bastards must be the loneliest sons of bitches on earth...some of those geeks couldn't get laid in a women's prison....that's all I'm sayin....
Until I have won the battle and rendered my laptop fully operational...thanks for your patience.
Kimba

Sunday, February 06, 2011

5 REASONS TO WEAR CHEESE ON YOUR HEAD

1. you are smoking hot and can do whatever you want
2. you are a Wisconsin native where it averages
6 degrees all frickin year
3. you are old and remember when the packers didn't suck
4. you are a complete fucking idiot
5. you like to wear your states number one product,
just like Los Angelinos wear a vial of crack,
and Vermonters wash their hair with maple syrup

STARBUCKS SUPERSIZES

The picture shows the new super-sized "trenta" from Starbucks, which was released to much chagrin throughout the press and Internet. And as you can see, it is fairly ridiculous to sell a coffee drink larger than the adult human stomach, however when you think about it, it really isn't all that large....take for example the following.....a "trenta" isn't nearly as large as.....
  1. a line of cocaine at Charlie Sheen's house
  2. Madonna's vagina
  3. Rosie O'Donnell's colin
  4. Barack Obama's brain
  5. Snoop Dogg's bong hits
  6. Sarah Palin's ignorance
  7. Ben Rothisberger's sexual predator file
  8. Oprah's purse
  9. The Octomom's ovaries
  10. Alex Rodreiguez' nutsack

Saturday, January 08, 2011

Friday, December 31, 2010

TEN THINGS I WANT IN 2011

1. Justin Bieber to take a page from Vanilla Ice and fucking go away
2. Anorexia
3. Oprah Winfrey to admit one of her favorite things is pussy
4. Brett Favre to retire to full time perversion
5. Obama's polling numbers to improve dramatically
6. UCLA to beat the shit out of Duke in the Final Four
7. Legalized marijuana and a minimum 5 year sentence for driving under the influence
8. Jennifer Aniston to date a real man instead of the lead actor of her latest movie disappointment
9. An expansion pro football team in Los Angeles
10. a bigger penis

Friday, November 26, 2010

5 REASONS MY THANKSGIVING WAS F-ING WIERD

1. while deboning the leftover turkey carcass to make stock with, I realized the bird came complete with a penis....it was delicious
2. the neighbors invited themselves over for Thanksgiving dinner and brought a small Starbucks bag with them...obviously a thank you gift to us. when we examined it later, it was full of the Girl Scout nuts and candies we bought and paid for over 6 months ago....
3. we always have a Xmas tree, despite my wife and daughter being jewish. this year, my wife purchased a black friday artifical tree, because she lived in fear of real ones catching on fire. This tree must have come from the tree pound who rescued it from abuse....this tree is so sad it looks like it came from Nagasaki...after the bomb.
4. no sooner had I left a shitty facebook response to one of my friends who was spending his weekend with his family watching Harry Potter, then setting up his Xmas tree (I think I told him he was having a "testicle free" weekend).....then my daughter asked me to set ours up. we are now watching I fucking Carly...somebody shoot me
5. I actually left a post on this blog.....it's been a while (sorry)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

TOP 10 REASONS YOUR DAD IS A COMPLETE LOSER

10. He masturbates to a picture of Sarah Palin
9. His underwear has more DNA than the OJ crime scene
8. He voted for Palin / McCain
7. They know him by name at the local Sizzler
6. He thinks bowling is too elitist
5. His first name is embroidered on his work shirts
4. He thinks Sarah Palins best feature is her brain
3. At work he is the guy who asks..."would you like some fries with that?"
2. He has a plumbers crack problem, and he isn't a plumber
1. He spends his time writing a blog

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Friday, January 01, 2010

THE 2010 KIMBAS LISTS PHRASES THAT COULD CATCH ON THIS YEAR

1. ERMINE LA DOUCHE BAG: someone who has exceeded the definition of an asshole, without reaching the lofty status of mother fucker, a little weasel.
2. OPRAHED: someone who annoys the shit out of you over a prolonged period of time, so much so you will give them a billion dollars just to get their fat asses away from you.
3. PENAL-IZED: to exact a punishment on someone by beating them over the head with that which they love the most (i.e. clubbing Tiger Woods with a 3 iron, or knocking Amy Winehouse into unconsciousness with a crack pipe).
4. APPRO-PROD: taking that which annoys you the most and shoving it up the ass of the perpetrator
5. LETTERMAN FLACKET: the furor caused when someone finds out you blew the boss in return for continued employment.
6. BUL-LOCKED: someone who convinces you they are different to curry favor, then acts exactly like the previous dickhead.
7. CROTCH-LIST: a list of air passengers most apt to have something dangerous in their underwear

Friday, December 18, 2009

Saturday, November 28, 2009

10 REASONS WHY TIGER DROVE OVER A FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND INTO A TREE


1. His wife hated where he was putting his putter
2. Needs a new driver to replace the wood he drove into
3. He missed the cut(s)
4. Should have worn a rider cup
5. He's a "scratch" golfer
6. Couldn't read the breaks
7. Tired of Lindsey Lohan getting all the publicity
8. Caught in the wrong foursome
9. Steve took his balls home for a polishing
And the top ten reason Tiger drove over a fire extinguisher and into a tree:
10. his wife Elin swings a mean 2 iron.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

4 MEN WHO ARE A CREDIT TO THEIR PENIS

No doubt about it, these guys have transformed themselves
in the public perception through the effective use of their penis.
Some of them for pure pleasure,
and some of them for career advancement as well.
And so I give you my top four men
who are a "Credit to their Penis"....
Number one: Alex Rodriguez. Come on....he leaves his wacko wife for Madonna, then ditches her for Kate Hudson? Talk about going from AAA ball to the Major leagues. No doubt about it, this guy must really sport some sizable wood, and I am not talking about a Louisville slugger...although he DID do Madonna.
Number two: Ashton Kutcher: not only did Ashton come out of nowhere (and a shitty TV show on Fox is truly coming out of nowhere) to bag the big prize, he turns his relationship into a billion dollars and a fledgling career in show business. Needless to say, Kutcher must get it right in one take.

Number three: Justin Timberlake. OK, he made some decent music (I guess) with the backstreet boys or whatever...but the dude has racked up a sizable bankroll AND is banging Cameron Diaz. Look at the dude...Cameron Diaz...really? He must really have a rhythm.
Number four, and a hall of fame member: Bill Clinton: not only did he succeed in politics despite coming from friggin' Arkansas, make a shitload of money for talking, but he kept his high-powered marriage intact (sort of), despite putting the wood to everything he sees. Not only that, when getting caught cold, he actually seeks to redefine what sexual relations are while under oath. This guy is the master. Is it any wonder during his administration, they nicknamed the presidential jet "Air Fuck One."

Friday, October 02, 2009

TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF A MAN IS A DOUCHEBAG

1. If he is spotted wearing white framed sunglasses, he is a douche bag.
2. If he attempts to use a three year old condom he has had in his wallet, he is a douche bag.
3. If he comes out publicly in the defense of Roman Polanski, OJ Simpson, or Pee Wee Herman, he is a douche bag.
4. If he tivo's WWE or any other wrestling program, he is a douche bag.
5. If he watches "Dancing with the Stars" and lies about it, he is a douche bag.
6. If he gets pedicures, he is a douche bag.
7. If he mousses or gels hair other than on the top of his head, he is a douche bag.
8. If his favorite alcoholic drink comes with an umbrella, or a garnish of any kind, he is a douche bag.
9. If he shaves hair on any portion of his body other than his head: douche bag.
10. If he regularly reads this blog: double-douche

Saturday, September 19, 2009

PRODUCT ENDORSERS: STRAIGHT OR GAY?

Celebrity product endorsers....they are everywhere, in our print media, all over television, and they are leaving a lasting impression on all those who view them. But, are they secretly sending out hidden messages of homosexuality and a latent promiscuity? Do not laugh...this is serious. We need to review their messages and evaluate each one for signs of homosexuality before their message spreads to our youth. It may be too late, as our children can't remember the answers to their history tests, but can recite the commercial jingles by heart on demand.
So having said that, let's play our game....celebrity pitchmen, straight or gay?

Let's start out with an easy one, the Pillsbury dough boy. For one thing, he wears that ridiculous neck tie.....and absolutely nothing else. Add in his odd open knee stance, the laugh and the slogan, poppin' fresh, and I think we can agree on an answer. Verdict: Pillsbury doughboy: GAY.

Next up: the brawny dude. Yes, he is strong, and he wears a Pendleton shirt. He is an outdoors man and a mountain man. The question is....what mountain, Brokeback? Brawny always boasts about their ability to "suck up" liquids, which is all we need to know. Verdict: Brawny guy: GAY.
Next up: Aunt Jemina. Shut your mouth. Her only function is to make breakfast for her family.
She only comes in maple, and no odd assortment of flavors, although she does recommend adding fruit if you like. Nah, not her. Verdict: Aunt Jemima: STRAIGHT.

Next, the Michelin man. Yes, he has more folds than an origami festival. And, I am sure he would be a barrel of fun at a wet spot festival, but I cannot believe someone who pitches for a tire company would be anything than straight (although I am seriously worried about some of those redneck NASCAR drivers). Verdict: Michelin man: STRAIGHT.

Next up: an interesting one, the Cuckoo Puff bird. Yes, he is cookoo for Cocoa puffs, and he does a decidedly gay dance when he proclaims his passion for the cereal. I am not sure if there are gay birds, except for the Swallow (how obvious is that name?). His beak does not make for optimum gay activities, but he does fill his closet with wardrobe only Andy Dick or Elton John would wear. My verdict? Cocoa Puff bird: GAY.

Next up: the Shamwow guy. Annoying, forceful and loud. Does wear the stereo typical gay polo shirts, and the moussed hair points towards gay. When it comes to sucking up moisture, he is the King. Does this make him gay? My verdict: The Shamwow guy is NOT Sham-gay.


Next: the Nestle Quik rabbit. First and foremost, is there any animal on the face of the earth more horny than a rabbit? Plus, he is quite the master at sucking on things, like the straw on the labeling. He wears overalls for quick disrobing, and we may never know if he has a trap door in the back. My thoughts? The final straw....strawberry milk. My verdict: Nestle Quik rabbit? His gate swings both ways. He is good at burrowing into holes, sucking with amazing force, but likes to make babies, an obviously straight proclivity. Final verdict? He could care less....anything that moves is OK to him.

Last but not least? Kimba the White Lion. Yes, he is strong, brave and possesses blue eyes like azure pools of water. On the other hand, he has an odd protruding growth on his chest, and I am really not sure what to make for himself. Often pictured on all fours means nothing, as he is quite adept at performing on two legs. My verdict: Kimba the White Lion...decidedly straight.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

TWEETS FROM THE WORLD OF THE FAMOUS

Donald Trump: "...sorry, too busy to tweet today....taking this thing on the top of my head in for a rabies shot"
Bernie Madoff: "...hated to do it, had to penalize my cell mate Jimmy last night....for an early withdrawal"
Andy Rooney: "....isn't it odd that I would have so many cats in my home this late in my life, yet haven't had pussy since the Eisenhower administration?"
Michael Vick: "...not sure if the Vikings are playing with me or not....first day there, guess what they had for lunch in the buffet line?....fucking chili dogs."
Dick Van Dyke: "...my father (who named me) always laughed at the name he gave me. can you imagine anything that goes together less than a dick and a dyke?"
Brad Pitt: "...I kinda miss being married to Jennifer (Aniston)....... the worst thing she ever came home with after a weekend of shopping was eight grand worth of clothing."
George Bush:"....finally finished my book.....took me forever to finish.....God I hate reading...."

Saturday, May 30, 2009

STUPID COMPUTER PEOPLE

People who use their keyboard to make stupid pictures...like :} or ;@)
People who twitter incessantly (could you wait until you have something to say?)
People who take every fucking quiz on Facebook (if you were animal dung, what animals ass would you fall out of?)
People who e-mail you with stupid sentimental shit, then demand you to forward it to 10 friends or your penis will fall off
People who set up a camera and Ustream a continuous feed of their newborn puppies
People who buy anything off from EBay, then complain they got ripped off
People who look at every possible porn web site, then complain when their computer runs slow

Saturday, May 23, 2009

MEMORIAL DAY ETIQUETTE 2009

  1. I have said it before, and I will say it again, fly the flag on Memorial Day. If you don't own one, get your commie ass down to Walmart and buy one (even if it will be made in China).
  2. If you are going to the beach for the first time this year, wear a t-shirt and ample shorts. Leave the speedos for Michael Phelps, fat ass. The last thing we want to see is your ample girth that is whiter than a polar bear. And if you are a couple visits behind in your regimen, don't display it shirtless on the sand while you pretend to know how to throw a Frisbee.
  3. Cardinal rule: absolutely no colored socks with shorts, or sandals. Extra dumb ass points for the higher they go up your albino legs.
  4. If you are going to a party or picnic, spend a little extra bucks and get quality alcohol. At least a mid-quality alcohol; and if it should be iced, ice it long before you get there.
  5. If you do show up with some skank beer or cooking vinegar type wine, don't let me see you with one of my Heineken's in your hand, you cheap sob.
  6. Beach tip. The water will be cold. You do not live in the Caribbean. So if two inches leftover from a wave approaches you as you walk on the beach, please do not run away from it like a little friggin' girl.
  7. If you are a man over the age of forty, do not ogle any female less than twenty years of your age. If you do, I will be on the horn to Chris Hansen, and you can explain yourself on Nightline.
  8. Another beach tip: If you prefer music to the sound of crashing waves on the shore, bring an I-Pod. No one wants to hear your crappy music. The beach is about getting away from that crap and relaxing.
  9. If you do go to a cemetery (which is very cool), be respectful and quiet like you were at a library. Do not play Frisbee, play music, run over the grounds where people are buried, and do not steal flowers (you would be surprised).
  10. Wherever you are, hold your liquor. The only thing worse than an inability to control your liquor is an inability to control your bladder. Practice up on your drinking if you have to, but do not get drunk early and start getting loose with the language. Especially if children are present.
  11. And, oh bye the way, there is nothing worse than someone who drinks too much, thinks they are suddenly a player and start flirting with someone elses wife or girlfriend.
  12. Camping tip: Just because you are going to sleep in a campground does not mean you should feel free to use the park as your personal toilet. Walk the 300 yards to the bathroom and leave the trees alone.
  13. Last but not least......remember what the holiday is about. If you see a veteran, or someone who is active in the service on leave, offer them your thanks, and offer them your hand.
  14. DO NOT DRIVE DRUNK, OR TIPSY, OR OVERLY HAPPY FROM ALCOHOL. Just because it is Memorial Day does not mean you can go out and kill someone. Have a good holiday.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

10 WAYS TO TELL IF YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE (HOME EDITION)

1. You take the last of the toilet paper and don't replace the roll.
2. Instead of throwing away your used napkins or empty soft drink can, you throw it in the sink with the dirty dishes.
3. You take your dry cleaning in without checking the hamper for someone else's dry cleaning that needs taking in.
4. You use someone elses toothbrush to clean the bathroom grout.
5. You bake something and it bubbles over onto the oven walls without telling someone until they bake something and the smoke alarm goes off from the fire caused from your crap burning off the oven walls.
6. You take longer in the bathroom if you know that someone is waiting to get in.
7. You take a cordless phone call in the living room and insist that the TV gets turned down rather than leave the fucking room.
8. You blame the guy who washes your jeans when you leave your cell phone in the pocket.
9. Your idea of emptying the trash is pushing everything down and compacting it until the liner tears, which will go undetected until someone else actually tries to empty it.
10. Half the cell phone calls you get are from yourself because you can't find it again.

15 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE

1. Your idea of charity is giving food to a food bank that expired during the Kennedy administration.
2. You carry on loud cell phone conversations.....while you are taking a dump in a public restroom.
3. You only tell three kinds of jokes; ones involving minorities, gays or nuns.
4. You use your car as a weapon on the freeways. You wouldn't let a car get into your lane even if it was an ambulance full of school children with its sirens on.
5. If your middle finger was severed in a table saw accident you would be rendered a mute.
6. You always brag about the size of your penis and sexual prowess at work, then go home and masturbate to child porn.
7. You take the last of the coffee, then replace the beaker onto the hot burner to fry.
8. You rag on guys for being on Face book and Twitter, even though your DVR at home is full of episodes of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" and "Tyra."
9. You never wash your hands after using the bathroom, then shake the hand of everyone you meet during the day.
10. You can't pick out a free donut at work without touching the ones you don't want.
11. You shoplift at the 99 cents of less store.
12. You bitch about the first whiff of second hand smoke, even though you haven't washed your nuts since the seventh grade.
13. You have stolen something from a fellow workers lunch box at work.
14. You say derogatory things about gay people, and all the while your index finger smells like your own ass.
15. Your last family reunion was on an episode of Jerry Springer

Monday, April 13, 2009

THE FIRST ONE IS A ROTTEN EGG

The first person to realize that sea urchins were eatable, was seriously hungry.
The first person to try and swim probably drowned.
The first person to realize that you could inhale smoke and live was very stupid.
The first person to try and jump out and parachute down was suicidal.
The first person to try and pet a brown bear quickly had second thoughts.
The first person to have sex with Rosie O'Donnell was very, very horny.
The first person to invent condoms probably enjoyed his work.
The first person to get a tattoo was probably drunk.
The first person to breathe fire was seriously bored.
The first person to perform oral sex was onto something.
The first person to vote twice for Bush 42 was seriously mis-informed.
The first person to buy a Jonas Brothers album was a blood relative, a deaf blood relative.
The first person to go down Niagara Falls in a barrel probably won the bet.
The first person to think of something better, click on the word "comment" below.

Friday, April 10, 2009

TOP 5 FACEBOOK QUIZZES YOU WILL NEVER SEE

1. If you were a celebrity penis, who would you be?
2. What are the all time top 5 rashes you've ever experienced?
3. The top five funniest things you ever thought of while masturbating
4. If you were animal poop, what animal would you drop out of?
5. Who is the closest person to you that denied being your friend in Facebook?

Friday, March 27, 2009

7 SUGGESTIONS FOR CHANGE

1. All women should start wearing dresses again. It's time for women to start being feminine again, and nothing is more feminine than a woman in a sun dress. Nothing too tight or too slutty, just a classy and modest look.
2. Men should stop this stupid craze of hugging people, unless they are family or someone very special to them. Am I somehow obligated to get into this awkward situation of waiting to see if this guy will settle for a handshake, or want to lean in and hug me? I have hugged people I either hardly know, or don't even like, all because of this stupid fad. Let's end the madness!! Just as women should become more feminine again, men need to start acting like men again.
3. When is someone going to stand up and wake up the world in regards to tattoos. I can't imagine a more stupid thing to do than pay someone to inject ink into your skin. Formerly just relegated to people in prison, this fad has taken over everyone by storm. You can't find a decent college basketball (or high school) player without two arms full of crap injected into their skin. It's time people became leaders again, instead of the mindless sheep they have become.
4. Little girls should go back to being little girls; in the way they act, in the way they think, and in the way they dress. Teenagers today know more about sex than many adults in my generation. They dress like they're on one of those housewives shows on Bravo, and talk like they are on HBO. Sadly, innocence today is a new line of flavored douches.
5. Television needs to slow down and regain some of the old time values. They need to challenge and educate rather than exploit and titillate. One look at the trash on the Jerry Springer show and you can see the results of our gradual loss of values. June Cleaver will never be the same. What was once a simple, humanizing half hour television show, the new "Leave it to Beaver" will star the hometown hotties from Maxim magazine. If that isn't enough, wait for the new "I've Got a Secret."
6. Which leads me to secrets....we need to have some again. Look at the insane volume of television commercials aimed at making women "fresh," and men "able." I really don't care if a couple in their sixties can screw. That's their problem. And if Joe misses a home run because he has to pee again, tough shit.
We are being assaulted with commercials for products designed for increasing the effectiveness of our genitalia. You can't get away from it. They run them on Nickelodeon for gawd sakes.
Then there is the commercial about a couple who apparently took advantage of the miracle properties of Cialis, and celebrate it by sitting in public naked in separate bathtubs. You go to all the trouble and expense of taking a male enhancement medication, and then sit in separate tubs. makes no sense. Now the woman is alone and horny, and the man sits alone sporting wood. It's just weird.
7. We are walking medicine chests. You name the malady, and there is a pill for it. And a name for it. And a doctor who specializes in its treatment. And a support group for the sufferers, and one for the relatives of sufferers who are coping with how to help. And eighteen web sites for it. And hour long Oprah Winfrey shows devoted to it. And three best selling books about it. And this is just for crotch rot.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

5 PHONE ETIQUETTE VIOLATIONS THAT WOULD TEMPT ME TO GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT WITH A SOUP SPOON

1. Wear a blue tooth in your ear 24/7. OK, you are out of your car & you can actually use your friggin' hands to answer your precious phone. Personally, I refuse to talk to anyone wearing one for fear they are actually on the phone to someone else, which would make me look even dumber than you, Captain friggin' Spock.
2. Even worse are the cheapskates who use the wired up ear buds (retail value....$6). So now you have a phone in your front pocket and a wire coming out of each ear to your precious phone just in case someone mis-dials and actually gives you the chance to look like someone wants to talk to you. Good look asshole. Wearing these at all times just in case you get a call is like having 30 sheets of toilet paper up your ass in case you have to poop.
3. Worse yet are the people who desperately want to show you "something cool" on their new phone, then take up a half hour of your time finding it. Let me clue you in...no one gives a damn about anything on your phone. If you have to bore me with some internet stolen crap, at least figure out how to use the mother f*cker before you monopolize an hour of my time just to show me a video of your cat eating its own poop.
4. You know what I really enjoy? Having someone come up to you at work with their personal phone and stick it in your face, only to realize they are showing you pornography in the workplace, a clear case of a zero tolerance policy which wither requires me to turn you in, or risk my job. Thanks bud, but I am 50 years old, and I have seen a naked body before. Never saw one do that to a can of Pringles before, but all the same....leave me the hell alone.
5. The latest fad? Having to have pictures in your cell phone of everyone in your address book. So when you wife calls, you have a full screen picture of your wife on your phone. That's cool, but do you really have to see a picture of me when I call? That is a little strange for my tastes. If my phone wasn't supplied by my employer I would have pictures of everyone on my global address book, and when you called, I would have a picture of a dogs butt.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

YOU ARE WHAT YOU POOP

1. Floater: Your poop floats due to your avoidance of meat and animal protein. Your favorite alcoholic beverage is vodka and flax seed oil (a piledriver). You always eat healthy things, like grains and salad greens. You become sexually excited at sod farms because you are a fucking cow. Put a bell around your neck and go munch on my lawn.
2. Long bomb: Your poop is longer than your forearm. You prefer Jack's value menu. You think you will be OK as long as you eat less than $10 bucks at any meal. Your colon is like the slip and slide from hell. You are going to die and be buried in a Styrofoam coffin.
3. Burnin' love: Your farts comes out on fire, and your poop makes your ass burn more than a weekend at Andy Dick's house. You eat anything spicy and consider hot sauce a food group. You're the reason someone invented the asbestos enema bag. You are destined for a life of loneliness. Your diet is the reason they call it the rectum.
4. Weapons of mass consumption: You are the only one who can possibly stand the stench of your own poop. You eat every meal at all you can eat buffets. You also think a "C" in the window means "C" ya later. You have all of the charm and charisma of a colostomy bag salesman. Even your hemorrhoids got up and walked away from your intestines. Your only hope of owning a pet who loves you is to catch a buzzard off a shit wagon.
5. Unknown rectanance: You eat so much grease, you cannot trust even the tiniest of farts to not have solid properties. You regularly engage in a contest to see which you can do faster, sit down or poop, a contest you often lose. Your underwear has more skid marks than Talledega. You should wear brown socks at all times.
6. Pasta pooper: Your poop comes out like vermicelli. You eat anything sold at the Hostess Bake Shop. Your intestine looks like a ten year old airless paint sprayer hose that has never been cleaned. Doctors are physically unable to give your ass a colonoscopy; and even if they did, your polyps would be encapsulated with vanilla icing. You will be the first patient ever to need a stint for your large intestine.
7. Klingon warship: The only way to get you to drink water is to torture you with water boarding. Your poop comes out like week old un-refrigerated avocado dip. Actually it never really leaves your body. Your toilet paper of choice is Brawny. The only way to help you is set your bidet at 4500 psi.
8. Bouquet of roses: Your poop not only comes out perfect, it could be sold as an air freshener. There is barely a need for you to use toilet paper at all. You look at your poop with unreasonable amounts of pride. In a perfect world, you would invite a friend in and brag about your last elimination. Last year, you asked Santa for your own endoscope. You make a proctologist look like a fecalphobe. Your favorite web site is http://www.toiletstool.com/. Your local proctology school just named you homecoming king. You frequently "forget" to flush so your mate can see the results of your last masterpiece, which you frequently name. Your bathroom door is made of glass. You are Rimbrandt, Googin and Moanet rolled up into one. Dr Oz thinks of you whenever he masturbates.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

20 SIGNS YOU SHOULD GO ON THE "BIGGEST LOSER"

1. You can't tie you shoes without loss of consciousness
2. You haven't seen your penis since the 8th grade
3. Your spouse hasn't seen your penis since the Clinton administration
4. Your definition of oral sex involves something from the Hostess Bake Shop
5. You think the Pillsbury poppin fresh guy is kind of sexy
6. Your vagina has been visited less than an English dentist
7. Your last poop measured longer than your forearm
8. You buy a talking scale and it says "one at a time, please"
9. You are named Cannibal magazine's sexiest man of the year
10. The only place you can weigh yourself is at a truck stop
11. You are Rosie O'Donnell
12. Your dog knows the Domino's delivery man better than you
13. Delta Airlines charges you $150 for excess baggage, and you have no luggage
14. You have been thrown out of Hometown Buffet
15. You have skin tags larger than your penis
16. You have been offered a contract as a celebrity endorser of Jell-o
17. You walk into a porta-potty and the shit throws up
18. Sara Lee owns a yacht named after you.
19. You get thank you cards from Ronald McDonald
20. You consider Bac-os a food group

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

TOP 15 WAYS TO KNOW THE STIMULUS PACKAGE IS WORKING

1. If you go anywhere and there's a line (besides the unemployment office), the stimulus is working.
2. If you go to the food bank and there isn't a line, the stimulus is working.
3. If people stop adopting pets from the dog pound for meat, the stimulus is working.
4. If your local grocery store got Velveeta off their shortage list, the stimulus is working.
5. If you go to a restaurant, and see someone leaving a tip, the stimulus is working.
6. If your local prostitute stops accepting food stamps as payment, the stimulus is working.
7. If the collection plate on Sunday has any paper on it at all besides an IOU, the stimulus is working.
8. If you stop keeping Jack's value menu committed to memory, the stimulus is working.
9. If one of your credit cards no longer declines, the stimulus is working.
10. If your 12 year old starts sneaking into your wallet again looking to steal money, the stimulus is working.
11. If you start turning up your nose at Spam again, the stimulus is working.
12. If you start shopping at Costco on Sundays to actually buy something, and not to feed your family lunch, the stimulus is working.
13. If you get off the freeway and the man holding up a sign that says "will work for food" isn't your dry cleaner, the stimulus is working.
14. If you start feeling bad about beating the shit out of a girl scout for her cookies, the stimulus is working.
15. If the Obama cabinet starts paying off their back taxes, the stimulus is working.

Friday, February 06, 2009

15 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE

  1. If you walk your dog down the street and you don’t pick up your dogs shit, you’re an asshole.
  2. If you swear in front of small children, you're an asshole.
  3. If you own a pet less than five pounds, dress it, and carry it around town with you, you’re an asshole.
  4. If you go to Starbucks and use your wireless computer to view porn, you are an asshole.
  5. If you didn’t tell your mother you loved her the last time you spoke, you’re an asshole.
  6. If you told my mother you loved her, and you aren’t in my immediate family, you’re an asshole.
  7. If you can't get a woman, and criticize everyone elses, you're an asshole.
  8. If your only fashion accessory is a toothpick, you're an asshole.
  9. If you carry on a blue tooth conversation while in a line anywhere, you're an asshole.
  10. If you pay at a fast food restaurant with a hundred dollar bill, you're an asshole.
  11. If you park in a handicapped parking place, then try to make up for it by limping, you're an asshole.
  12. If you are always touching your crotch in public to make adjustments, you're an asshole.
  13. If you are over 15, and wear t-shirts with sayings on them, you're an asshole.
  14. If you make derogatory comments based on hate or bigotry, you're an asshole.
  15. If you ever voted for George Bush, you are the gold standard in assholes

10 ADOLESCENT MALE WARNING SIGNS

  1. He watches American Idol because of Ryan Seacrest
  2. He picks at his food, claiming to be "watching his figure"
  3. His favorite drink is a cherry Slurpee
  4. He has a name for his penis, and it is a feminine name
  5. He has always dreamed of being an alter boy
  6. He is a member of the Jonas brothers fan club
  7. He has an autographed picture of Charles Nelson Reilly
  8. His favorite sport is figure skating
  9. His best friend has a name for your sons penis
  10. Michael Phelps makes him want to "go for the gold"

Friday, January 30, 2009

SUPER BOWL ETIQUETTE

This may not be much for you, but for people like me, this is about as cool as it gets. An entire season of watching every stinkin' game we can coming to an absolute crescendo. Dissecting each game, each player, defensive and offensive strategies, the works. And it's about to come to the end. The Super Bowl of football.
So lets get real. If you got invited to our homes for the game, nine times out of ten, our wives invited you. We don't need company, just two teams, six refs and two people announcing the game. We are into it. If you aren't, stay out in the friggin' kitchen. Make us some hors d'oeurves, you manly man. That's rule number one. Here are some more....

2. Don't spill anything on my leather couch, especially if it was spilled when you saw something during the game that made you jump up and squeal like a little fucking girl.
3. Absolutely no Styrofoam fingers, pom poms, or any thing with a bobble head, and that includes your worthless piece of shit children.
4. Nothing.....nothin looks dumber than a fat guy in a football jersey and sweat pants. Anyone who wears a jersey should be at least able to tie their own shoes for gawd sakes.
5. Don't try to bullshit us. Don't tell us you were the starting guard for Bumfuck University in 1996, because I have google, and B.U. has a web site, fool.
6. Do not, repeat, do not bring your girlfriend / wife unless she is absolutely smoking fucking hot. This is a guy thing. We want football and cheerleaders and beer and ribs. Anything else is a distraction. If you do bring your girlfriend, she better come complete with a stripper pole for halftime.
7. Shut the fuck up. If we wanted to talk all fucking day, we would still be married.
8. Bring what you drink. What are you fucking diabetic?
9. Do not tell me about your fucking fantasy football league, baseball card files or your comic book collection. They are all queer to me. No that is not bias against homosexuals. Hell, even Andy Dick thinks your fantasy football league is gay.
10. Be a man....hold your fucking liquor. There are three things I do not want to clean up from you during your visit, spilled beer, BBQ sauce on my couch, and your puke.
11. Unless you know the crowd really, really well, never root against the hosts favorite team. Come into my house and root for USC and I will key your car, do your wife, and tell your son you are worried because he will find out you are not his real father.
Enjoy the Game!!! Steelers 31 Cardinals 23
Oh shit....I almost fucking forgot...Here is what I do not want to hear immediately after halftime and the start of the third quarter.....your fucking reviews of the commercials so far, or anything about the half time show unless it involved full frontal nudity. Ready? Break.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

THE BEST NEW YEARS LAUGH EVER

You will have to wait around 38 seconds, but this is as funny as it gets! Kathy Griffin rocks, period. Maybe this will get this innocuous New Years Eve boring shit off the air waves. I wouldn't wait 10 seconds to see some stupid friggin' "ball drop," but there is never, never anything on worth watching on New Years night, but this crap. Anderson Cooper, Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest, in their endless pursuit of a buck at the expense of their dignity. But, a damn good gig for Kathy, and the only one worth staying up late for!! She is a bawdy laugh riot.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

2008 BUMPER STICKERS OF THE YEAR

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot"
"I started out with nothing and still have most of it left"
"Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ...
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car"

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

THE KIMBA GIFT BASKET

1. To Jennifer Aniston: a little taste in men. Holy shit Rachel, where are you shopping for your men, a thrift store, or a Mommies Anonymous meeting?
2. To Cindy McCain: a torrid affair with a much younger man (possibly Italian). Please don't tell me you are still doing your husband!!
3. To Michael Phelps: multiple trips to a top notch cosmetic dentist office. Either get your teeth fixed or enter a professional corn on the cob eating contest. Holy shit, the last time I saw a mouth like yours, it was on a halloween pumpkin.
4. To Michelle Obama: ditto. You have more teeth than Mr. Ed for God sakes.
5. To Barack Obama: the courage to stop lying about your smoking. So you are the black Marlboro man, so the f*ck what.
6. To Caroline Kennedy: a little grace. You want to be a Senator, go out and earn it like the rest of your family did. Do you really think we owe you something?
7. To that Angelina Jolie creature: coming home and finding your hubby cheating on you. Not just cheating on you, but doing the big nasty with a man, two circus geeks, and a Shetland pony. What comes around goes around.
8. To Hillary Clinton: respect. Simple respect for someone who has worked her ass off and gotten ahead, despite getting publically shit hammered by her husband on many occasions.
9. To Ellen De Generis: the realization that no one gives two shits if you are gay. We know you are married for Christ sakes, we got the friggin' memo. And stop buying your clothes at the Men's Warehouse.
10. To the women on "The View": a well deserved pay cut.....and dildo's. Except for the smoking hot blonde who just needs a couple of political science classes, and a good hard fucking.
11. To Paul Newman: an eternity in heaven, and a reunion with the woman you devoted your life to, rest in peace.
12. To Paris Hilton: a reality check, and an overdrawn checking account for a day.
13. To Bill O'Reilly: daily saltwater enemas for life, with aggregate.
14. To the Jonas Brothers: an entry into American Idol, where you wouldn't last two weeks.
15. To Brittany Spears: who seems to be finally getting it together...a year (at least) of celibacy.
16. To Shawn Johnson: an interviewer who asks one original question to a leader of todays youth; about faith, work ethic, sacrifice, and issues related to todays high schoolers. Basically, I wish you the start of a true personna in the media, someone with weight (more than your 110 lbs.), and not just a bubble headed gymnast. I think you have something to say, and are afraid to come out and say it. Like the peace sign, what gives?
17. To Kimba: an original thought devoid of profanities.
Happy Holidays everyone, from Kimba

Monday, December 22, 2008

Saturday, December 06, 2008

MY HOW REFRESHING....PET SWEAT & HOT COW PISS

Yes, I truly am an immature little child at heart.
Wanna' hear my latest fart joke?

Sunday, November 16, 2008

CREATIVE ADVERTISING

If the light stays on for more than four hours,
contact your electrician.

Friday, November 14, 2008

5 REALLY COOL THINGS THAT HAPPEN WHILE YOU ARE IN THE FETAL POSITION

What, are you kidding me?
I just got a yearly physical, and trust me, nothing....
NOTHING cool happens while you are in the fetal position.
The doc says put on this paper robe with no back to it
(Ok, whats happening?).
The doc says lie on your side
(no problem, doc).
Then he says the magic words....
"bring your knees up to your chest"
Trust me, nothing cool happened after that.
Physician...what a glamour job.
Oh, wait!! I almost forgot....
5 REALLY COOL THINGS MY DOCTOR FOUND
WHILE PROBING UP MY ASS TODAY
1. My bosses shoelace tips
2. My wifes bullshit attitude
3. George Bush's economic policies
4. The John McCain health care platform
5. a referral for a colonoscopy
How was YOUR day?